It’s funny, the works of life. My favourite subject – people, never fails to bore me. It fascinates me, and upsets me and makes me wonder.

Had an interesting discussion with some of my colleagues this morning. One of them was apprehensive about raising a child, not for the lack of finances really, but because of the sheer fear of not being able to provide the right kind of ‘environment’ to a baby. It’s true, with the kind of moral values that we grew up with, we haven’t really turned out the way we were ‘’supposed” to. Now, with whatever little we have to offer, we might not even be able to raise a child with basic humane instincts and this is plain scary. I mean, if you look at kids these days, their confidence and attitude takes away from their basic innocence and to be honest with you, it is quite a put-off. It’s a pity that they will not be lucky enough to hear from their grandparents, innocent stories of their childhood. They are told from day 1 that they got to be ”razor sharp” or else they will be doomed… How sad is that? The world really is going to dogs…

I am in a thinking mode – last evening itself I was talking about how we have let go off our ‘niceness’ layer by layer because of external circumstances. It really is sad that nice=foolish in today’s world. People around are intentionally mean, and devilish and manipulative and begrudging and they look at you with hungry eyes to be part of the darker side. Till when can a person hold on to the hope of a nicer berth? To the desire of being surrounded by intrinsically warm people? Where people do not plot against each other and just evolve as true spirited bunch of visionaries? Where there are no ulterior motives all the time, even between friends?

Watched ‘Rocket Singh’ last night – the movie is quite something. It draws a candid picture of how people work – that to move ahead, crushing a few heads is a normal thing, where success needn’t necessitate unadulterated joy and peace. Success has it’s own identity and it is not relevant if you have people to share it with… As you grow higher, you keep secluding yourself – the circle narrows in and by the time you’re high up, you have nobody to fall back upon… Honestly, I would rather not be up there and alone coz I am sure by the time I reach there, I will bitter, with no unconditional love and a deactivated power button to give. I would rather share sweets with a bunch of warm, affectionate people than sit back alone and dupe my misery as a wondrous state of accomplishment, independence and success.

Maybe I am influenced by movies and this could just be yet another anecdote corroborating the level of my maturity, but I think I feel good about the fact that I still have hope. It keeps me going. When the dark side pulls me down, the faint reflection of a shimmering light gives me the strength to fight it out. I don’t want to crush heads, I don’t want to fool my ownself, I don’t want to.

Am I being a foolish child hoping for foxes to turn rabbits in a deep dark jungle? Maybe I am – but something in me tells me not to stop hoping. As I have heard, “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

Jack of all trades is the Master of fun

Tasted the rainbow
Played with the clouds
Raced with the skies
Crusades with the grounds…

For every season that comes, comes a secret admiration for it. Often, encounters with our child within result in primitive perceptions of contrasting seasons. It’s the inquisitive urge to know and learn, and then to quickly give strokes of colour to our own imagination that keeps the child in us alive. And nothing is mightier than an empowered imagination.

Coz’ we all have our secret reasons, and we all have our secret seasons.

I am home – after one year of mismanaged corporate leaves, of absolute emotional helplessness, of growing up, of handling things myself, of grief that came in June, of being broke and un-pampered, and unhappy and of being mad at myself and the world around me.

It’s only when I saw my mother, pale and weeker, with dark circles, waiting for me outside the building elevator in her pale, green domestic nighty, with eyes eagerly scanning me for my well being, that I realised how much I miss her, and her concern which is now only telephonic. I stepped inside my house consciously only to see that not much has changed… my father, in his usual baniyan and night pyjamas, appeared from the bedroom welcoming me with warm words…I could barely hear anything as I could only see wide, genuine smiled all over…what I could see around was the family that is mine, and the place I belong to.

Growing up brings with itself several issues – one of deciding ‘over’ the other. My career is as important to me as my family, and vice versa. I would probably feel incomplete without either (God forbid) in any case…
Anyway, what saddens me is to see them age… to catch the greyishness of age which is considered old… for some reasons, your parents are like ROCKSTARS who are eternally young and powerful… and seeing them in a light which reflects the otherwise, it sort of puts you at unrest with yourself. I feel guilty for being away, for giving importance to my career than to them…for being away for so long…

This is my biggest mistake yet and I am going to ensure that I see them as often as I can. I can’t believe I stayed away for so long.

I love them so much. I do, I do.

Weather? Delhi – so HOT!
State-of-mind – at peace
Song? (it’s on radio – zaraa jhoom, jhoom…!!!! )

He says focus comes from ‘realisation’, I say it comes from conditioning. But I couldn’t agree more… for most of us, while our parents attempted to condition us towards a particular aim and discipline in life, it was only a kick on your backside that really got us on track. Well, for starters, only when you realised that you scored the least in class did you reconsider your attitude and made necessary amendments.

Watched “Wake Up Sid” last evening. The movie is a wholesome package with a message which is quite clear. The plot, again, is the age old story of a rich spoilt brat with no direction in life suddenly wants to prove his worth to the world. However, contrary to your expectations, the movie does not end up in he joining back his rich father’s flourishing business empire.

Ranbir Kapoor has done a marvelous job – quite impressed! Konkana, in her simple, suave and natural way delivers a perfect character of a Kolkata girl on a mission to do something with her life, following her dreams in Mumbai. What’s even better is their twisted chemistry. The unconventional pairing has worked, like it did in Dil Chahta Hai. The movie offers a number of feel good factors at the same time makes you sit back and think. While most of us relate to it with our college days, I could feel the connect even with working people. People who are slogging to get a pay cheque every month, suppressing and hiding underneath their passions. It is so important to do what your heart wants to do. I know of people who did not want to get entrapped in the realms of corporate life and decided to follow what their real passion is. While some, due to sheer circumstances and need of money have continued to deplete their inner-selves in the rigmarole of corporate life, some actually stood up and left behind what actually is ‘dry, monotonous and soul-less’.

After watching the movie I was quiet for sometime, absorbing whatever I had just seen. It’s not like I haven’t been touched by movies before – Rock On, Eternal Sunshine…, Requiem for a Dream have had quite an impact on my life… but after watching Wake Up Sid, for the first time I felt a strong urge to turn back time and undo quite a few things and redo them the way it should’ve been done.

At the end of the day, you must realise, life is only this big, and there is so much to do. If you are fortunate enough, you will know where your heart lies from the very beginning. For those who don’t know that, it’s all about finding where your heart lies, and being convinced about it. Isn’t it?

Wake yourself up!

More than 3 months have passed by; still feels like she is just off on a long trip to a distant country. Like she would soon return with stories she’s waiting to reveal. Well, 3 months have passed by. What scares me more is that with each passing day, the memories become so distant, so aloof. The images are greying and it shatters my heart to think of her as someone who was, and, no more is.

Anyway, I’ve been working for 3 years now. Have switched 3 jobs and have done a host of things – some focussed, some absolutely out of the blue. Working brings to a person “the trick of the trade” but I am still a novice in that school. They say professionalism is devoid of emotions, but with me I can barely work without putting my soul in it. And it’s just sad that it doesn’t matter. 3 years, same designation and almost the same package. Doesn’t say much about me now, does it?

Bangalore is getting colder – it rains everyday and that just messes the whole city up. For as much as I love the rains, it’s frustrating to wait for autos in the rain to commute to work and back. Fear of potholes all over the city stops me from getting my own vehicle also. Sigh.

I watched ‘Up’. The Pixar wonder movie is one of the cutest pieces of art I have seen in a long, long time. I strongly recommend watching the movie. It is adorable and extremely touching. Wow.

I have started wearing all colours – well OK maybe not *all*, but most. I am no more black and grey anymore. I actually have a bright yellow top!

I haven’t seen my mother’s face in a year now. I am so absolutely, completely looking forward to going home this Diwali.

You know what’s changed? I am no more an impulsive judge of people. Actually, I don’t judge them at all anymore. For some reason, I don’t want to. I am tired of people judging me and I have developed this aversion to waste my time and energy analysing someone who doesn’t give a damn anyway. Well, to begin with, I am sleeping well. It could also be because I am not stressing out any more. Which, I think, is good. Nothing’s worth it.

I don’t write as often as I used to. It’s quite disheartening to lose trust in my own writing. Hmmmm.

I need a big ego boost – like the biggest yet.

Weather? Rainy and gloomy
State of mind? just about OK
Song? “I gotta feeling”

Deepti says it’s not good to give so much attention to negativity in life. Fair enough! This one’s for u Deepti!

I love the rain.
I love winters.
I like babies.
I like cooking.
I like art.
I love dark chocolates.
I like the colour Green.
I love photography.
I like coffee, I love tea.
I love walking on a beach.
I secretly like to draw.
I like dogs, want one at my home too!
I love Pink Floyd and U2, I love music.
I enjoy watching meaningful movies.
I love my family.
I love to buy stationery.
I love to travel.
I like the idea of world peace.
I like the idea of ‘togetherness forever’.
I love witty people.
I like to clean.
I like doing the different.
I like to write.
I love old people.
I love chocolate mousse at Cafe Y.
I love Navneet.
I love my friends.
I love Diwali and New Years.
I love random conversations.
I like perfumes.
I love the smell of books.
I love lamp shades.
I like genuineness.
I like big houses.
I like bicycles.
I love old photographs.
I like mush.
I love ethnic wear.
I love kolhapuri chappals.
I love cotton saarees.
Ooh, I love Fab India stuff
I like the idea of running my own business, someday.
I like family get-togethers.
I love paper bags.
I love black boards.

And now that I am listing this down, there are so many things I loveeeeeeee!!

I hate the crackling sound of polythene bags.
I hate lizards (thanks for reminding me Tunu).
I hate dried ink pens – they frustrate me.
I hate staying hungry.
I hate mean people.
I hate the inevitability of death.
I hate procrastination.
I hate unambitious guys.
I hate being sick.
I hate going to the Doctor alone.
I hate potholes.
I hate dirty feet.
I hate chipped nailpaint.
I hate torn book covers.
I hate the smell of smoke.
I hate cynical, demotivating people.
I hate to spend my money on commuting in autos.
I hate people without compassion.
I hate body odour.
I hate dirty shoes.
I hate instability.
I hate watching mindless news bulletins.
I hate fake politicians.
I hate firms that don’t treat their employees as humans.
I hate rainy days that confine you.
I hate to see people putting their parents in Old Age homes.
I hate the ambiguity of God.
I hate objectifying of women.
I hate domestic violence.
I hate slippery floors.
I hate that being nice is being dumb these days.
I hate much more.
I just hate.

A song by Enya, with sadness which is beautiful and a meaning too profound…

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time…
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time…

Who knows? Only time…
Who knows? Only time…

Really busy month!!! Shifting homes, finishing work, getting back on track… gonna write soon!!!!