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It’s funny, the works of life. My favourite subject – people, never fails to bore me. It fascinates me, and upsets me and makes me wonder.

Had an interesting discussion with some of my colleagues this morning. One of them was apprehensive about raising a child, not for the lack of finances really, but because of the sheer fear of not being able to provide the right kind of ‘environment’ to a baby. It’s true, with the kind of moral values that we grew up with, we haven’t really turned out the way we were ‘’supposed” to. Now, with whatever little we have to offer, we might not even be able to raise a child with basic humane instincts and this is plain scary. I mean, if you look at kids these days, their confidence and attitude takes away from their basic innocence and to be honest with you, it is quite a put-off. It’s a pity that they will not be lucky enough to hear from their grandparents, innocent stories of their childhood. They are told from day 1 that they got to be ”razor sharp” or else they will be doomed… How sad is that? The world really is going to dogs…

I am in a thinking mode – last evening itself I was talking about how we have let go off our ‘niceness’ layer by layer because of external circumstances. It really is sad that nice=foolish in today’s world. People around are intentionally mean, and devilish and manipulative and begrudging and they look at you with hungry eyes to be part of the darker side. Till when can a person hold on to the hope of a nicer berth? To the desire of being surrounded by intrinsically warm people? Where people do not plot against each other and just evolve as true spirited bunch of visionaries? Where there are no ulterior motives all the time, even between friends?

Watched ‘Rocket Singh’ last night – the movie is quite something. It draws a candid picture of how people work – that to move ahead, crushing a few heads is a normal thing, where success needn’t necessitate unadulterated joy and peace. Success has it’s own identity and it is not relevant if you have people to share it with… As you grow higher, you keep secluding yourself – the circle narrows in and by the time you’re high up, you have nobody to fall back upon… Honestly, I would rather not be up there and alone coz I am sure by the time I reach there, I will bitter, with no unconditional love and a deactivated power button to give. I would rather share sweets with a bunch of warm, affectionate people than sit back alone and dupe my misery as a wondrous state of accomplishment, independence and success.

Maybe I am influenced by movies and this could just be yet another anecdote corroborating the level of my maturity, but I think I feel good about the fact that I still have hope. It keeps me going. When the dark side pulls me down, the faint reflection of a shimmering light gives me the strength to fight it out. I don’t want to crush heads, I don’t want to fool my ownself, I don’t want to.

Am I being a foolish child hoping for foxes to turn rabbits in a deep dark jungle? Maybe I am – but something in me tells me not to stop hoping. As I have heard, “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

I am home. Finally.

I am home – after one year of mismanaged corporate leaves, of absolute emotional helplessness, of growing up, of handling things myself, of grief that came in June, of being broke and un-pampered, and unhappy and of being mad at myself and the world around me.

It’s only when I saw my mother, pale and weeker, with dark circles, waiting for me outside the building elevator in her pale, green domestic nighty, with eyes eagerly scanning me for my well being, that I realised how much I miss her, and her concern which is now only telephonic. I stepped inside my house consciously only to see that not much has changed… my father, in his usual baniyan and night pyjamas, appeared from the bedroom welcoming me with warm words…I could barely hear anything as I could only see wide, genuine smiled all over…what I could see around was the family that is mine, and the place I belong to.

Growing up brings with itself several issues – one of deciding ‘over’ the other. My career is as important to me as my family, and vice versa. I would probably feel incomplete without either (God forbid) in any case…
Anyway, what saddens me is to see them age… to catch the greyishness of age which is considered old… for some reasons, your parents are like ROCKSTARS who are eternally young and powerful… and seeing them in a light which reflects the otherwise, it sort of puts you at unrest with yourself. I feel guilty for being away, for giving importance to my career than to them…for being away for so long…

This is my biggest mistake yet and I am going to ensure that I see them as often as I can. I can’t believe I stayed away for so long.

I love them so much. I do, I do.

Weather? Delhi – so HOT!
State-of-mind – at peace
Song? (it’s on radio – zaraa jhoom, jhoom…!!!! )

…the biggest yet.

More than 3 months have passed by; still feels like she is just off on a long trip to a distant country. Like she would soon return with stories she’s waiting to reveal. Well, 3 months have passed by. What scares me more is that with each passing day, the memories become so distant, so aloof. The images are greying and it shatters my heart to think of her as someone who was, and, no more is.

Anyway, I’ve been working for 3 years now. Have switched 3 jobs and have done a host of things – some focussed, some absolutely out of the blue. Working brings to a person “the trick of the trade” but I am still a novice in that school. They say professionalism is devoid of emotions, but with me I can barely work without putting my soul in it. And it’s just sad that it doesn’t matter. 3 years, same designation and almost the same package. Doesn’t say much about me now, does it?

Bangalore is getting colder – it rains everyday and that just messes the whole city up. For as much as I love the rains, it’s frustrating to wait for autos in the rain to commute to work and back. Fear of potholes all over the city stops me from getting my own vehicle also. Sigh.

I watched ‘Up’. The Pixar wonder movie is one of the cutest pieces of art I have seen in a long, long time. I strongly recommend watching the movie. It is adorable and extremely touching. Wow.

I have started wearing all colours – well OK maybe not *all*, but most. I am no more black and grey anymore. I actually have a bright yellow top!

I haven’t seen my mother’s face in a year now. I am so absolutely, completely looking forward to going home this Diwali.

You know what’s changed? I am no more an impulsive judge of people. Actually, I don’t judge them at all anymore. For some reason, I don’t want to. I am tired of people judging me and I have developed this aversion to waste my time and energy analysing someone who doesn’t give a damn anyway. Well, to begin with, I am sleeping well. It could also be because I am not stressing out any more. Which, I think, is good. Nothing’s worth it.

I don’t write as often as I used to. It’s quite disheartening to lose trust in my own writing. Hmmmm.

I need a big ego boost – like the biggest yet.

Weather? Rainy and gloomy
State of mind? just about OK
Song? “I gotta feeling”

n I like.

Deepti says it’s not good to give so much attention to negativity in life. Fair enough! This one’s for u Deepti!

I love the rain.
I love winters.
I like babies.
I like cooking.
I like art.
I love dark chocolates.
I like the colour Green.
I love photography.
I like coffee, I love tea.
I love walking on a beach.
I secretly like to draw.
I like dogs, want one at my home too!
I love Pink Floyd and U2, I love music.
I enjoy watching meaningful movies.
I love my family.
I love to buy stationery.
I love to travel.
I like the idea of world peace.
I like the idea of ‘togetherness forever’.
I love witty people.
I like to clean.
I like doing the different.
I like to write.
I love old people.
I love chocolate mousse at Cafe Y.
I love Navneet.
I love my friends.
I love Diwali and New Years.
I love random conversations.
I like perfumes.
I love the smell of books.
I love lamp shades.
I like genuineness.
I like big houses.
I like bicycles.
I love old photographs.
I like mush.
I love ethnic wear.
I love kolhapuri chappals.
I love cotton saarees.
Ooh, I love Fab India stuff
I like the idea of running my own business, someday.
I like family get-togethers.
I love paper bags.
I love black boards.

And now that I am listing this down, there are so many things I loveeeeeeee!!

Navneet Wasu – Wherever You Are…

” No seriously, Bombay is the best city in the world…I wish I die there!”

” Oh shut up Navneet, stop being so dramatic about everything…”

” hahaha, crack child, I am trying to sound like YOU!”

*********

And she did. Keeping up to her word, the Powerhouse in my life silently collapsed, leaving us utterly devastated. Navneet Wasu, my ‘Navneeet’, Kunal’s ‘Makkhan’, Shalini’s ‘Bobbetty Bob’, her mother’s ‘Kiran”… is now no more.

On the foreboding evening of June 08, 2009, she decided to go astray to a hopefully heavenly abode.

The grief of her sudden demise is immense, though smiling memories from the past aplenty. This could be a sad entry, but the intent is to celebrate her life that she shared with all of us. She gave a piece of her honest heart to all her friends – be it loyalty, ”confidentiality”, secrets, giggles or just plain arbit banter, Navneet will always be the most special friend to all her friends.

It was the singleness of her character that may put you off when you meet her at first – and it is the singleness of her character that makes you fall in love with her later. I lived with her for a long time; from awkward days of ”getting to know each other” to days of absolute intimacy when we’ve cried together, I’ve had my ups and downs with her and we withstood the test of friendship at several levels. It was she who finally made me realize that relationships needn’t be  hunky dory all the time – they have their bad moments and to rise above them and unite again is what friendship is all about. I had those moments and she knew it and vice versa.

I owe her enough to live my life by the rules of Ms Navneet Wasu. Our crazy bike rides in the dead of the night and our endless chats that would hop, skip and jump from serious intense issues to Bollywood gossip and relationship problems… I am going to miss her phone number to be dialed FIRST everytime I ‘had’ to talk…

She also, by the way, is the reason why I take whatever little decisions I do – if not for her, I wouldn’t even think of doing so many things that I did! “Shubha, you are a grown up now, do you mind standing up for yourself for once!!!” And I  secretly agreed, almost every time.

One of my favourite memories with Nav is when we decided to go to Nandi Hills on a hot May afternoon. Please see that Navneet’s bike was then 14 years old and was a moody, old thing. Well, two girls, ‘hoping’ to get back home all safe n sound, left for one of the most memorable rides of their lives. From being followed by random, cheap men to clicking ”interesting” pictures pretending to be Ansel Adams, Nandi Hills trip, as weird as it may sound, remains one of the best ones of my life.

Navneet, for all her upfront attitude and strong opinions was a marsh mellow at heart. Most of all, she was outright genuine. She was my Track Pants girl who gave a damn… riding her bike as if she rules the roads, cracking up and laughing out aloud at random nothings. Introduced me to Harry Potter but was left disappointed as I couldn’t pass the 3rd book. From making delicious ”dal” to egg sandwiches – from eggs on our hair to comparing the shape of our ‘ugly feet’ – from laughing at funnily dressed women to taking dips in guiltless mockery – and from singing aloud on roads with all eyes on us to secretly crying watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding” – Navneet Wasu was my best friend who has given me more and more reasons to smile everyday.

We will move on, the grief will fade away but the void of having a Powerhouse in my life will always stay. Navneet, wherever you are, you better be reading this !

You were going to design my wedding outfit, you were going to dance for the sangeet… You were going to take me to Mondeez in Bombay… you were going to tell me what was bothering you for the last 4 months… You didn’t… Promises broken, conversations left unfinished… places unvisited and secrets undisclosed…empty chambers of possible memories and a smoke that will never cease to be…

...Track Pants Girl forever...

Navneet Wasu – December 2, 1981 – June 08, 2009.

You are gone but the ”drama” left behind is surely here to stay.

I love you, and I miss you, and I hope to God that you are somewhere giggling with the twinkle in your eye just the way I saw you last…

Firaaq

Trust Nandita Das to come up with something like this. Really, when I was told it is her directorial debut, I was automatically driven to watch the film. I watched Firaaq last week. Set at the time of Gujarat riots, the movie has a steady pace, some great acting and a thought-provoking plot. It’s simple, the same old depiction of Hindu-Muslim concern in similar familiar backgrounds, with surplus emotions. The movie, despite its customary story line, is incredible.

It portrays the aghast conditions of the Muslims in the city – who were brutally murdered and burnt by fanatics of the other caste. The actors have delivered some superb performance and the dialogues are hard-hitting. Needless to mention Naseeruddin Shah’s commendable feat – he has acted through his eyes – be it the emotion of disappointment or complete bliss, it is out right fine acting. Deepti Naval, Paresh Rawal, Shahana Goswami, Tisca Chopra, Sanjay Suri and the whole panel of actors have done justice to Nadita’s vision of conveying a message to our society. The kid especially, is astounding.

The movie is heavy and really depresses you for at the end of the day; innocent people die because of not-so-innocent reasons. It’s a pity that the largest democracy in the world is still the one with such issues that have prevailed over centuries. Who likes bloodshed anyway? In disguise of political avenues, gullible people end up dying, being burnt and left deserted.  It’s easier said than done, I cannot even begin to imagine their plight when they see their loved ones being emotionlessly killed.

Nandita Das’s direction is simple, realistic with a subtle emotion in every angle. Be it something as simple as Deepti Naval pulling out containers for the little child to sit, or the sweet arguments between Naseeruddin Shah and his age-old servant and companion, all of this is overwhelming in a very different way – as you can effortlessly picture yourself there.

Nice movie – slightly slow but must see!

Watchmen – W-o-W!

It came as a shock when I was told we were going for an action movie. Alright, with all due respect to all action freaks in the world, I personally do not like such movies. The violence and blood kind of puts me off. For some weird reasons, I thought it was a scary movie.

‘Watchmen’ is rather scary but for different reasons. It is the fear of universal annihilation that trickles down your thoughts that scares you. What one would inexorably call a comic depiction or a ‘fantasy’ movie – Watchmen is a little more complicated than that.  I don’t know who the actors are, for they all seemed new to me. Except for the Comedian of course, who I thought was to-die-for in Grey’s Anatomy.

The movie is about a bunch of extraordinary people who were rescuers at some time in their lives. For inevitable reasons, they drifted apart to embrace normal lives. As they moved on to lead the so called ‘normal’ lives, they held back their basic instincts and powers. It is the tragic death of the Comedian that gradually brings them together. John (ooh-very-hot) is now socially accepted as a harmless, paranormal person who is, well of course, American J Though he has powers that can destroy the whole planet, the American government thinks of him as the savior of the country.

He has insightful powers to see the past and future. Made of atomic energy, John, as celestial as he appears, is becoming devoid of human emotions. No, don’t get the idea that he becomes outright destructive – he just is enlightened to understand the intricacies of time and space. The functioning of the universe is not unknown to him. He sees a nuclear war between two massive territories of the world and for some reason, has given up hope to alter fate – something he can do.

There are other Watchmen who either are now old, or dead, or astray but still dwell in the passion to save the world. As talks of nuclear war become hotter, these Watchmen take upon the challenge to bring peace in the world.

Fellows, if you are looking at action and bloodshed, you will not be left disappointed but what is rather overwhelming in the movie is the message – the message to understand the true value of life – our energy resources, depleting nature, over-the-top interference of technology and more than anything else, the mad craving for power. Human emotions cannot be erased, they can only be altered.

The movie left a great impact on me – I was dumbstruck for a long time. Very thought-provoking, very interestingly made. Though there is a parallel story line to support the movie, if you understand the primary intent of the movie, I think you would love it too – just the way I did!

Again, must watch.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

A lavish dinner with a delighted glutton – some light banter – and then The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The movie, nominated for several Academy Awards is magnificent, finely captured and exhibited in a wonderful package. We could take any aspect of the movie and start a discussion – an endless one – only to realize that there are more than just those reasons to like it.

Hats off to the special effects team who effectively complemented the intention of the movie, for if not for that, something somewhere would have gone missing. Benjamin Button, the special child who creates another level of perception of abnormality amongst the so called ‘normal’ in this world. The child who was born with a defect no one could ever change – a defect which in a way was a blessing in disguise.

The movie is captivating in a different way. It’s deep and profound and has the capacity to push you back and make you think and re-think about different aspects of life. Fine actors, fine dialogue delivery, fine cinematography, fine script, fine direction – the movie is one of the best I have watched in a long time. Brad Pitt, surprises me every time I see his performance – he is calm and composed and delivers his dialogues with perfect elocution. It’s a pity that it did not win the Best Movie title at the Oscars.

It might come across as an absurd concept, something so abstruse that you wouldn’t want to spend a nice weekend night on. If I were to narrate the story to someone else, maybe I wouldn’t be able to translate the exact essence of it. I don’t want to do that and hence would strongly recommend that you watch the movie, whenever you can. I sniveled throughout, not because it hurt, but because it touched. The so called abnormal are criticized and ridiculed all over the world – the Whites do that with Blacks, the Rich to the Poor, the Thin to the Fat and the ‘Beautiful’ to the Ugly. What is it that sets the standard? What makes one superior? Will we ever know?

Beauty is driven by perception – and this movie only reiterates that fact. It is skin deep and the movie reemphasizes that fact. Being abnormal is being normal – it establishes that fact.

Queeny is beautiful for she embraced him against all odds.

Daisy is lovely – perfectly chiseled and beautiful at heart for she accepted him as he was.

Benjamin is unblemished, honest, and beautiful for he understood the value of life and surmounted his abnormality to lead a perfectly normal life.

Must watch, must.

Haphazard Realisations

In these times when we all feel despondent and are running out of fuel to keep going, there is something that we can do to save ourselves the secret potion to Sanity - and that something is not to let the instinct in us die. The instinct of being human, rational and creative.

We all have hobbies that we either follow, or like to think that we follow. A hobby, that by its very nature is constructive and relaxing must never be overlooked. After a hard day of work (or even before starting one), just half an hour of doing something we love can charge you enough to last a day. It could be reading, or singing, painting or writing, or just catching up with friends. You can take it step by step, day by day… 

I love Music – and right now I may not have enough finances to buy a CD, but I am enjoying listening to the songs of Dilli 6 that my roomie bought sometime back. The music is fantastic – A R Rahman at his usual best – creating an honest appeal of Dilli in his music. A Music Director in the truest sense, this Music Magician never fails to sway his listeners off their feet, repeatedly. Bhor Bhaye – a Classical piece by Shreya Ghoshal will give you goosebumps if you enjoy listening to Hindustani Classical music. Adding to the experience is a Bhajan – “Amba Ji” and a ‘wedding’ song called “Genda Phool”. The CD has been packaged extremely nicely and the play of colours and pictures adds an ethereal charm to it.

Wait, wasn’t I talking about hobbies? Yes, coming back the point – a hobby will keep you engaged with your ownself – which is important for a human being. Most of the time, we work for someone, trying to please someone else, doing things coz that’s what you are ‘expected’ to do. . . Where then, in this chaos of overlapping responsibilities do you find time for your own self? That which has accompanied you so long, and will patiently do so, for another leap of time?

Before its too late and we all lose ourselves, layer-by-layer, being peeled of by atrocities of time and the Mundane, find yourself that special something…

Enlightenment

What is enlightenment? Is it a final revelation? Or the realization of truth that was in the hiding? Or it is just you opening your eyes to face the reality?

How does it matter anyway? They say, to conquer the truth above all materialistic disguises is enlightenment, but I use this term more often, and more lavishly than that.

To me it is sheer realisation – realisation of your inner self – coming to terms with the many aspects of your being. I am enlightened every day, almost. It may not reflect in my behaviour, because it means I am still reeling under its effect. While I do care and strongly feel about the worldly sufferings and atrocities around the globe, to me, in my little world, my problems mean the world to me. Be it something as petty as what to cook for dinner, or as large and profound as dealing with my inefficiency to understand technological nomenclature, I wonder and I worry and I ponder.

One more thing I have realised is that I cannot seek happiness – it will find its way if it were to come to me. If watching a small kid waiting to cross the road and get to school makes me happy, it is in my realm of elements that make me smile. If such things don’t make you happy, it does not make mine any lesser – why do people compare emotions that are just so personal?

Nonetheless, my episodes of enlightenment occur every day, and I sometimes like it and sometimes I don’t. The fact of the matter is, I encounter it coz I introspect all the time, which also makes me a little weird but that’s OK I guess

The other day I was enlightened by the fact that lizards still have the same impact on me as they did years ago – frightening, scary, panicky. (they all mean the same, but hey read FEAR).

State of mind? Dealing with failure

Weather? God knows, I am sitting ‘air conditioned’

Song? Sorrow, Pink Floyd