I walked back in, with car keys clicking in one hand, the laptop bag and my hand bag lugged on to other side. I am tired and weary… But it’s not the weight of the bags I am carrying that’s bothering me.
Sometimes, your actions are so predictable it’s scary. I do this every day – Monday to Friday; pull out my bags, lock my car, walk up the stairs, open my door, keep my bags aside, put the car and house keys on the side, take off my shoes and head straight to the bathroom to wash my feet… Come back and feed my fish. Everyday. Without fail. It’s like it’s rehearsed and my sub conscious self is on auto pilot. But it’s only of late that I have noticed that I do this, on repeat, five days a week. There were times when I would be on the phone talking to someone and even then my instincts would drag me to follow the routine. Yeah, maybe I am a tight-wire after all.
You know what? This week has been a horrible week. Right now, I am sitting in my living room, with Floyd playing in the background and a bleary view of my life playing on my mind. I haven’t been alone in a while – and today when I am alone, all I can think of is to curl up and sleep. Sleep, to me, is like a perfect getaway from anything you want to get away from! No?
I attended The Landmark Forum two weeks ago. It was quite an experience! As apprehensive as I was before I did it, I was so happy that I finally did do it. Did they teach me anything? No. Did they instill any values? No. Did they coach any concepts? No! They just brashly cut me open and got me to take a very close, keen look at myself. And trust me, it’s quite an experience. Good or bad, I can’t say. Though I know for sure that something has transformed in me. I am yet to put a finger on what that is – no, I am still figuring out…
My doing the Forum has got me a lot of reactions. Some have supported, some have made fun, some have rolled their eyes, some have agreed to disagree and some, now use it to blame for anything I, well how do I put this, say ‘different’. 
On the last day of the Forum, we were warned that after this, we might come across absolutely weird and abnormal to a lot of people. While some people told me that they see me a lot more charged than before, some have mentioned that they think I am talking rubbish. About being on different plains, well I am not detached at all, it’s the same me, just a lot more aware of who I really am. And trust me it’s not a very comfortable truth to handle. And hence the ‘disconnect’.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. Hell no!
Coming back to the horrible week. Ugh, the week started with me acting absolutely nastily with someone immensely close to me. Nasty may be too polite a word for the hurt I caused. Soon enough, life threw something back at me when I found out that one of my long time, very close (best) friends, got married and didn’t even tell me about it! Why? Don’t ask. I was so upset I can’t even begin to describe. Then someone very close to me told me about getting some BP issue at such a young age! To top it all, my own paranoia about my health and whether something is wrong with me – man, I am such a prick to live with! Though the worse was that I let someone down at work. And God how I hate doing that. Hmmm…
Anyway. You know what’s the worst kinda hurt? The hurt you cause to yourself by hurting someone you love. You know why? Coz you can’t do anything about it! No explanations, excuses or reasons you try giving yourself will help you feel any better about being so awful. X-( That’s who you are and now you gotta deal (live) with it! You might still get people’s forgiveness, but how do you forgive your own self?
There is something about Adele’s voice that makes it so enticing. It’s raw, exotic and so, so real. The emotion running in her veins is transfused into the vibrations of her voice, over to your ears, eventually piercing through your bare soul, pricking it to wake up and pay heed. Awe inspiring… No, I am still listening to Floyd though right before this, it was she on repeat.
I should take it easy. Though deep down I think I am calm, there is restlessness lurking all around me.
They say words are so powerful they can heal. Powerful yes, coz they can go ahead and sabotage the very sanctity, the essence of possibly anything in your life. For someone who was once told that I am gifted coz I can articulate very well, I have consumed poison and spat it out all over the place, like an enraged, uncontrollable, slimy serpent.
My favorite Floyd song is Learning to Fly. “Tongue-tied n twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I.” How true…
I am on the floor, there is a warm glow from the corner lamp and I have been typing this post on my phone for the last twenty minutes. Someone once told me that my living room is tranquil and I couldn’t agree more, just now. There’s slight breeze trying its way in through the thick, pale white curtains, no other sound but the music playing on low. It’s tranquil here. It indeed is.
There are conversations in my head that I can’t pen down… There are emotions flowing inside me that I can’t let out… Thoughts I can’t stop… Flashbacks I can’t delete… What’s the point after all? It’s all a bleary vision of life…
And it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s tranquil right now, this very moment… and the moment that matters is the one I am breathing in.
Love,
Shubs
