WiShLiSt!!!

I have n-e-v-e-r done this before; and honestly the thought of it coming true drives you happily insane!
It’s my birthday this month and for once in life, I would like to make a list of things that I would like to get for my birthday. So, for those who care, and those who want to care, here goes:

A black Adidas sweatshirt
My friends
A digital camera
A ‘girly’ watch
An i-pod
Navneet…
A handbag (preferrably Hidesign)
3 perfumes – Clinique Happy, Davidof and Hugo Boss
A stainless steel photoframe
A diamond nose pin
A Fab India Silk Kurta
A Fab India Silk dupatta
A Fab India quilt
Big chunky silver earrings
Puma track pants
A bright colorful cotton top
A pair of Lees
A soft lamp
Bight pink Osho chappals – Navneet ishtyle
5 books
Spa
Backpack
Nike floaters
A black dress
All seasons of Friends/Grey’s Anatomy

Why 25 things? Coz I turn 25 this year!!!

hung-over

June has been a sadly consequential month. Having lost a friend is a long-time grief that gets processed and unprocessed throughout your life. Anu’s memory has barely even faded and now Navneet’s loss is phenomenally unbearable. Well, on top of that, Navneet’s ’secret’ favourite – Michael Jackson – is also gone. Though I am not a big fan, he was special in his own way and more special because everytime we heard him, it made Navneet smile. In a way, I am relieved as I think she might just meet him up there! After all, it’s his soul that gave music to the world, right? Have fun girl!

Amid all of this grief and futile attempts to ‘deal with it’, I have been trying all ways to digest the fact that she is gone. Well, I am still hungover with what happened last month… From ”retail therapy” to keeping my mind occupied, nothing has really worked. I am also watching a lot of movies, which do help for those few hours. Well, something to begin with!
I watched ‘The Hangover’ the other day. The movie, which is outrageously funny is a m-u-s-t watch! (do I say that a lot?)
Well, a plot around 4 friends who go to Vegas to celebrate their friend’s last 2 days of bachelorhood. And celebrate they do!!!
The movie is so funny that I actually held my tummy and laughed aloud in a crass manner. I usually do not enjoy comedies as most of them do not amuse me, but Hangover made me laugh through and through. Also, Bradley Cooper is HOT!

If you need to keep your mind off, and be entertained in a way that you giggle thinking about the movie even a week later, watch Hangover.

Navneet Wasu – Wherever You Are…

” No seriously, Bombay is the best city in the world…I wish I die there!”

” Oh shut up Navneet, stop being so dramatic about everything…”

” hahaha, crack child, I am trying to sound like YOU!”

*********

And she did. Keeping up to her word, the Powerhouse in my life silently collapsed, leaving us utterly devastated. Navneet Wasu, my ‘Navneeet’, Kunal’s ‘Makkhan’, Shalini’s ‘Bobbetty Bob’, her mother’s ‘Kiran”… is now no more.

On the foreboding evening of June 08, 2009, she decided to go astray to a hopefully heavenly abode.

The grief of her sudden demise is immense, though smiling memories from the past aplenty. This could be a sad entry, but the intent is to celebrate her life that she shared with all of us. She gave a piece of her honest heart to all her friends – be it loyalty, ”confidentiality”, secrets, giggles or just plain arbit banter, Navneet will always be the most special friend to all her friends.

It was the singleness of her character that may put you off when you meet her at first – and it is the singleness of her character that makes you fall in love with her later. I lived with her for a long time; from awkward days of ”getting to know each other” to days of absolute intimacy when we’ve cried together, I’ve had my ups and downs with her and we withstood the test of friendship at several levels. It was she who finally made me realize that relationships needn’t be  hunky dory all the time – they have their bad moments and to rise above them and unite again is what friendship is all about. I had those moments and she knew it and vice versa.

I owe her enough to live my life by the rules of Ms Navneet Wasu. Our crazy bike rides in the dead of the night and our endless chats that would hop, skip and jump from serious intense issues to Bollywood gossip and relationship problems… I am going to miss her phone number to be dialed FIRST everytime I ‘had’ to talk…

She also, by the way, is the reason why I take whatever little decisions I do – if not for her, I wouldn’t even think of doing so many things that I did! “Shubha, you are a grown up now, do you mind standing up for yourself for once!!!” And I  secretly agreed, almost every time.

One of my favourite memories with Nav is when we decided to go to Nandi Hills on a hot May afternoon. Please see that Navneet’s bike was then 14 years old and was a moody, old thing. Well, two girls, ‘hoping’ to get back home all safe n sound, left for one of the most memorable rides of their lives. From being followed by random, cheap men to clicking ”interesting” pictures pretending to be Ansel Adams, Nandi Hills trip, as weird as it may sound, remains one of the best ones of my life.

Navneet, for all her upfront attitude and strong opinions was a marsh mellow at heart. Most of all, she was outright genuine. She was my Track Pants girl who gave a damn… riding her bike as if she rules the roads, cracking up and laughing out aloud at random nothings. Introduced me to Harry Potter but was left disappointed as I couldn’t pass the 3rd book. From making delicious ”dal” to egg sandwiches – from eggs on our hair to comparing the shape of our ‘ugly feet’ – from laughing at funnily dressed women to taking dips in guiltless mockery – and from singing aloud on roads with all eyes on us to secretly crying watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding” – Navneet Wasu was my best friend who has given me more and more reasons to smile everyday.

We will move on, the grief will fade away but the void of having a Powerhouse in my life will always stay. Navneet, wherever you are, you better be reading this !

You were going to design my wedding outfit, you were going to dance for the sangeet… You were going to take me to Mondeez in Bombay… you were going to tell me what was bothering you for the last 4 months… You didn’t… Promises broken, conversations left unfinished… places unvisited and secrets undisclosed…empty chambers of possible memories and a smoke that will never cease to be…

...Track Pants Girl forever...

Navneet Wasu – December 2, 1981 – June 08, 2009.

You are gone but the ”drama” left behind is surely here to stay.

I love you, and I miss you, and I hope to God that you are somewhere giggling with the twinkle in your eye just the way I saw you last…

The Color Purple

 

I had no clue about this movie till a friend introduced me to it. I was a little apprehensive before, but the first shot of the movie put my worries at rest. The Color Purple – a Steven Spielberg movie is yet another piece of cinema that you shouldn’t miss.

The plot revolves around two sisters – Celie and Nettie. Celie, played by Whoopi Goldberg, is a simple, unattractive woman forced into marrying Mister who ill treats her all her life. The one person who loves her is her sister Nettie, who her husband initially wished to marry. For various reasons, the sisters are separated. Nettie was the attractive, confident, educated little sister who taught Celie how to read and write. While parting, Nettie promises Celie that she will write to her, unless death does them apart.

Celie awaits her letters, but in vain. Life is dull and aimless and Mister’s behaviour towards Celie does not improve. The worst happens when he brings home, a woman he loves and adores and literally worships! Shug Avery – an enchanting dark woman, played by Margaret Avery, is gorgeous and has a spell on everybody.

At first you would think that Celie is going to have a tough time with ‘another’ woman in her own house, but the movie takes a turn and the plot becomes extremely interesting. Even though Celie is the central character in the movie, the importance of her role comes into play only after Shug comes home.

It is a beautiful movie with funny, sad, depressing and heart wrenching moments. Goldberg has done a tremendous job and should really have won the Oscar for this role. Oprah Winfrey who acts as Sofia in the movie demands a standing ovation for her performance.

An Afro-American setup,  perfectshots, simple yet strong dialogues, stunning performances… as a woman, you empathise with the characters in the plot and can understand the plight of women across the world. Though it is subtle yet hard-hitting, the movie leaves you with a happy tear in your eye.

Must watch!

Enlightenment

What is enlightenment? Is it a final revelation? Or the realization of truth that was in the hiding? Or it is just you opening your eyes to face the reality?

How does it matter anyway? They say, to conquer the truth above all materialistic disguises is enlightenment, but I use this term more often, and more lavishly than that.

To me it is sheer realisation – realisation of your inner self – coming to terms with the many aspects of your being. I am enlightened every day, almost. It may not reflect in my behaviour, because it means I am still reeling under its effect. While I do care and strongly feel about the worldly sufferings and atrocities around the globe, to me, in my little world, my problems mean the world to me. Be it something as petty as what to cook for dinner, or as large and profound as dealing with my inefficiency to understand technological nomenclature, I wonder and I worry and I ponder.

One more thing I have realised is that I cannot seek happiness – it will find its way if it were to come to me. If watching a small kid waiting to cross the road and get to school makes me happy, it is in my realm of elements that make me smile. If such things don’t make you happy, it does not make mine any lesser – why do people compare emotions that are just so personal?

Nonetheless, my episodes of enlightenment occur every day, and I sometimes like it and sometimes I don’t. The fact of the matter is, I encounter it coz I introspect all the time, which also makes me a little weird but that’s OK I guess

The other day I was enlightened by the fact that lizards still have the same impact on me as they did years ago – frightening, scary, panicky. (they all mean the same, but hey read FEAR).

State of mind? Dealing with failure

Weather? God knows, I am sitting ‘air conditioned’

Song? Sorrow, Pink Floyd

Holi not so Holy

A big festival – no celebrations, away from home, sick.

This was one of the worst Holi ever! This is the time when I realise how important it is to be rooted, to be connected from where you come from. Not only did I not go home, I couldn’t even be at work so ended up taking leaves anyway! How frustrating is that!!! My family has gone to Jhansi, to celebrate the festival with my relatives… They called me telling me how much fun it is and how they wish I was there too! Ugh.

I can only imagine how people who live abroad handle this. I mean, here atleast I still saw some colour on the roads on my way to the doctor, but what if I was in some God forsaken country where playing with colours is considered to be a crime or something! Without any brown skinned people, simply dressed, with religious marks on their foreheads, on a mission to change the world gradually… Without seeing any ladies carrying their kids, and the household purchses in a bag, struggling to get an auto on dug-up city roads… Without being able to hear kids, mostly boys, play cricket and abuse each other every time someone goes on Duck. Hmmm…

Getting all entangled in this whole ”growing up” mess… I love it here, it is good… work is nice, life is good… but there is something which is still incomplete… Like a void which tends to overpower all other emotions…

Anyway, later. Time for medicines.

State of mind? Extremely sick and homesick

Weather? Pleasant under my blanket

Song? Dilli 6

makesmehappy

Well, another month without any posts. Can I blame  it on the fact the fact that February is a short month? Oh, alright. I know what you mean.

Moving on, like always, amazing level of chaos in my life and mind. But hey, guess what; I have decided to do things that are going to makemehappy. Simple.

Like, listening to music right in the morning irrespective of whether or not I am running late. If I start my day with music, it works as a sure-shot healing for all drudgery and distraught. I also, am going to, well in my own comfortable time, start meeting people – those who I may have lost touch with, and those who are absolute strangers, without any pre-drawn judgements about who I am.

I am going to travel -  and enjoy it too! I am going to de-burden (is that correct?) myself from silly things that pull me down all the time. The whole let’s-get-everything-perfect mania is driving me insane. I need to let loose, and relax. Supine, relaxed, soothed…

Work is good, and so are the people around me. There is no negativity and I like being there. People are soft and nice and indulge in healthy discussions all the time. I realise, how it is extremely important to have an intelligent bunch of people around you. The conversations are stimulating and you end up learning a lot. I mean, you do need your time and space to discuss the unknown about life and the miseries enwrapping all of us but honestly, on an average, it is the general, light conversations through the day that will maintain whatever little sanity we have left in us.

I met a bunch of very interesting people last night – some still lost but making an effort, some totally lost and flowing smooth and some who lost some, found some and are now leading normal lives.

Oh, I went totally off the track, didn’t I? Well, another thing I am going to start doing is dealing with myself positively. Instead of pointing fingers at my own self all the time, I will not worry and bother about stupid, silly things anymore. I also am going to let-it-go when necessary…

I don’t know why but I am all excited. Some sort of bug I guess…

State of mind? Clear blue skies.

Weather? Surprisingly HOT!

Song? My Baby’s Got a Secret! :p

the Good, the Bad & the Struggly

There are all sorts of people in this world (wait, have I used this opening line a bit too many times?)

OK, in this world, you will find people of all kinds – some nice, some not-so-nice and some just not nice! Apart from encounters with people at a personal level, you also interact with a lot of people at a professional level. Now, if you were like me, you would observe and analyse and maybe form judgements as well. In my 2-odd years of work experience, I think I have come across ”workers” of 3 major kind: the Good, the Bad & the Struggly.

Well, back in the days where anyone who got a job was considered o be the smartest fellow in the town, maybe things  were not so complicated. Everyone was considered great at his work – there was little shrewdness, more fondness and more respect.

With our work culture, coping with world’s culture, the demarcations have become darker and more legible. Now, whether or not you are good at your work is much clearer. There is something called ‘Street Smartness’, which usually implies to people who may not be brilliant at their work, but they know how to be noticed by the right people at the right time. This, I feel is the category of ‘Good’ people…

Now, we have the ‘Bad’ ones – not only are these people not good at their work, but they are also very bad at PR – ing themselves. Neither are they Street Smart, nor extremely good at their work – nothing really works in their favour. They give up, they just have to.

The third, and my favourite is the ‘Struggly’ category – these are people who are still learning how to master their work, and are also trying to be noticed for the right reasons. Once bitten twice shy, I am someone who has defied this law repeatedly. Irrespective of how many times I get played by others, I don’t learn my lesson. But hey, I am learning and I am working on being a Master of my Art. I may not be the best when it comes to ’speaking’ for my work, but I definately believe that good work never goes unnoticed and I plan to stick by this theory till I fall (which I hopefully won’t!).

So, I fall under the ‘Struggly’ category, and I love being there. What about you?

State of mind? Kindly Calm.

Weather? Interestingly Pleasant.

Song? Ye Dilli Hai Meri Jaan - Dilli 6

Slumdog Something

I finally watched Slumdog Millionnaire! Since I did almost nothing over the weekend, I spent time watching movies. Slumdog, the much talked about movie that has suddenly put India on the International cinema market was something that had created ripples of inquisitiveness in my mind. With the whole ‘Oscars’ thing splashed all over the news, this was something I *had* to watch…  Earlier too Bollywood has been noticed at this level for Lagaan but Slumdog has created another level of waves!

The movie, hyped and portrayed as an ‘Oscar winning’ piece is nice, but I am not sure if I *really* like it or not. I mean, the performance by the young artists is worth a watch and the story does bind you till the very end but at the same time, it moves a bit slowly. Even though that is not usually a problem, since the story line is slightly tight, a little bit of pace would have been better. I do like the movie, but I haven’t got what the hype is all about!

It’s a plain love story wrapped in a rags-to-riches saga. I am not entirely sure as to what is so ‘Oscar-y’ about it. It also shows India in a poor light – maybe that attracts a few people as the movie may have a documentary kind of feel to it.

The movie, despite it’s strong story has a few flaws. I am not a critic but I can have opinions based on my very little knowledge of film making. At the end of the day, it is an English movie, with undertones of sarcasm and dark humour, directed by a Britisher! I feel that the whole ”Chai Wala on the Show’ was a bit too overbearing – I mean, who talks like that to a contestant on a show? If he was trying to portray a shade of grey in Anil Kapoor’s character, it may make sense though might not justify it enough in my head.

The movie is shot well, the editing is almost perfect and even the performances are quite appealing – though something somewhere has killed it for me. I am not sure what it is – the disappointment of showcasing India in such terrible light where a slum kid would jump into a pool of crap just to see his favorite actor, or the fact that the whole hype about it having the Indian connection making us Indians feel proud of something that does not even belong to us!

Anyway, how did Jamal get onto the show??

Hopefully Brighter.

Even though 2008 was a highly eventful year, it left me not-so-happy.

Happy New Year to you all  

The torture of not being able to find a job right at the beginning of year, to apprehensions about a precarious future, finally finding a job – meeting and interacting with a very different category of people there, quitting the second job and looking for another change, has drained me completely. I have been professionaly exhausted and am lying low. Even though my current work place seems to be getting me somewhere, I only hope that things work out fine here - fingers crossed!

So, New Years was nice. A friend came down from Mumbai to be with us and another one joined us over the long weekend – not extended but was wholesome fun. I had a great, great time and I am happy that I have friends who care No offence to those who didn’t come down, coz I know they had different plans already – Mr Baldy and Tiny Tunu!! :p

Last year, amidst the many unpleasant events that took place in my life, a few good things happened as well. Re-affirmation of a certain relationship, a stronger bond, slight maturity (yea KG, I know u think I am nowhere even close!), little more confidence, lessons of judgements, cousin’s long-pending wedding, family reunion, swalpa weight loss , reestablished lost contacts, forgave some, forgot some, and deliberately threw some out – a not-s0-bad 365 days I must say!

But one thing, a real bad one that prevailed throughout is this negativity about being alone and lonely (refer to a previous post). I reviewed and re-reviewed (is that a word?), certain relationships and actually figured out who all do I really want in my life. Even though that section is kind of sorted, I still haven’t found *what* I am looking for – not *who* I am looking for.  It is strange coz if you see all the circular boxes from up above, things don’t look so bad. But, the moment you try breaking in, there is so much confusion and chaos that it can baffle a stable mind. Some say I am weird, some say I think too much but the fact of the matter is – it exists!

I have entrusted myself with responsibilities – is good, but I am expected to perform them *all the time* – not-so-good! I am growing old - stand far from marriage (oh, don’t ask me!), have lost the innocent charm, have lost honest trust in people, have become suspicious … have lost some and gained some…

If I look at our pictures just 2-3 years ago, I can see a trail of change on the look I carry on my face. From someone whose laughter was loud as a bang, to someone who thinks twice before expressing a certain reaction in public, I have become much low profile. I look pale, the twinkle in my eye is gone and it sucks to feel that only kohl can help me survive the day!

What once used to be a happy, delighful time of the year has become a long-extended series of retrospection and analysis of myself and all around me! Ugh, trust me it is a horrible feeling.

And guess what, I didn’t notice it but nowadays, I actually am *scared* to visit malls or public places. I anyway hate malls, but if we have to watch a movie, they are unavoidable and hence, I end up going there. It is strange that the whole ‘terrorism’ deal has taken a toll on my sleep as well.

Oh, one more good thing of 2008 – a recovered fondness, love and respect for my parents. Another! I now voice it up if need be, feels good though I barely relate to it. But a verrry dear friend of mine – R- says that I must not lose my self-respect and esteem at any cost, which I now believe is one’s biggest asset.

This is a really long post, man!

I hope 2009 is a better and a brighter year for all of us - a very happy new year guys!