I am home. Finally.

I am home – after one year of mismanaged corporate leaves, of absolute emotional helplessness, of growing up, of handling things myself, of grief that came in June, of being broke and un-pampered, and unhappy and of being mad at myself and the world around me.

It’s only when I saw my mother, pale and weeker, with dark circles, waiting for me outside the building elevator in her pale, green domestic nighty, with eyes eagerly scanning me for my well being, that I realised how much I miss her, and her concern which is now only telephonic. I stepped inside my house consciously only to see that not much has changed… my father, in his usual baniyan and night pyjamas, appeared from the bedroom welcoming me with warm words…I could barely hear anything as I could only see wide, genuine smiled all over…what I could see around was the family that is mine, and the place I belong to.

Growing up brings with itself several issues – one of deciding ‘over’ the other. My career is as important to me as my family, and vice versa. I would probably feel incomplete without either (God forbid) in any case…
Anyway, what saddens me is to see them age… to catch the greyishness of age which is considered old… for some reasons, your parents are like ROCKSTARS who are eternally young and powerful… and seeing them in a light which reflects the otherwise, it sort of puts you at unrest with yourself. I feel guilty for being away, for giving importance to my career than to them…for being away for so long…

This is my biggest mistake yet and I am going to ensure that I see them as often as I can. I can’t believe I stayed away for so long.

I love them so much. I do, I do.

Weather? Delhi – so HOT!
State-of-mind – at peace
Song? (it’s on radio – zaraa jhoom, jhoom…!!!! )

Wake Up!

He says focus comes from ‘realisation’, I say it comes from conditioning. But I couldn’t agree more… for most of us, while our parents attempted to condition us towards a particular aim and discipline in life, it was only a kick on your backside that really got us on track. Well, for starters, only when you realised that you scored the least in class did you reconsider your attitude and made necessary amendments.

Watched “Wake Up Sid” last evening. The movie is a wholesome package with a message which is quite clear. The plot, again, is the age old story of a rich spoilt brat with no direction in life suddenly wants to prove his worth to the world. However, contrary to your expectations, the movie does not end up in he joining back his rich father’s flourishing business empire.

Ranbir Kapoor has done a marvelous job – quite impressed! Konkana, in her simple, suave and natural way delivers a perfect character of a Kolkata girl on a mission to do something with her life, following her dreams in Mumbai. What’s even better is their twisted chemistry. The unconventional pairing has worked, like it did in Dil Chahta Hai. The movie offers a number of feel good factors at the same time makes you sit back and think. While most of us relate to it with our college days, I could feel the connect even with working people. People who are slogging to get a pay cheque every month, suppressing and hiding underneath their passions. It is so important to do what your heart wants to do. I know of people who did not want to get entrapped in the realms of corporate life and decided to follow what their real passion is. While some, due to sheer circumstances and need of money have continued to deplete their inner-selves in the rigmarole of corporate life, some actually stood up and left behind what actually is ‘dry, monotonous and soul-less’.

After watching the movie I was quiet for sometime, absorbing whatever I had just seen. It’s not like I haven’t been touched by movies before – Rock On, Eternal Sunshine…, Requiem for a Dream have had quite an impact on my life… but after watching Wake Up Sid, for the first time I felt a strong urge to turn back time and undo quite a few things and redo them the way it should’ve been done.

At the end of the day, you must realise, life is only this big, and there is so much to do. If you are fortunate enough, you will know where your heart lies from the very beginning. For those who don’t know that, it’s all about finding where your heart lies, and being convinced about it. Isn’t it?

Wake yourself up!

hung-over

June has been a sadly consequential month. Having lost a friend is a long-time grief that gets processed and unprocessed throughout your life. Anu’s memory has barely even faded and now Navneet’s loss is phenomenally unbearable. Well, on top of that, Navneet’s ’secret’ favourite – Michael Jackson – is also gone. Though I am not a big fan, he was special in his own way and more special because everytime we heard him, it made Navneet smile. In a way, I am relieved as I think she might just meet him up there! After all, it’s his soul that gave music to the world, right? Have fun girl!

Amid all of this grief and futile attempts to ‘deal with it’, I have been trying all ways to digest the fact that she is gone. Well, I am still hungover with what happened last month… From ”retail therapy” to keeping my mind occupied, nothing has really worked. I am also watching a lot of movies, which do help for those few hours. Well, something to begin with!
I watched ‘The Hangover’ the other day. The movie, which is outrageously funny is a m-u-s-t watch! (do I say that a lot?)
Well, a plot around 4 friends who go to Vegas to celebrate their friend’s last 2 days of bachelorhood. And celebrate they do!!!
The movie is so funny that I actually held my tummy and laughed aloud in a crass manner. I usually do not enjoy comedies as most of them do not amuse me, but Hangover made me laugh through and through. Also, Bradley Cooper is HOT!

If you need to keep your mind off, and be entertained in a way that you giggle thinking about the movie even a week later, watch Hangover.

Navneet Wasu – Wherever You Are…

” No seriously, Bombay is the best city in the world…I wish I die there!”

” Oh shut up Navneet, stop being so dramatic about everything…”

” hahaha, crack child, I am trying to sound like YOU!”

*********

And she did. Keeping up to her word, the Powerhouse in my life silently collapsed, leaving us utterly devastated. Navneet Wasu, my ‘Navneeet’, Kunal’s ‘Makkhan’, Shalini’s ‘Bobbetty Bob’, her mother’s ‘Kiran”… is now no more.

On the foreboding evening of June 08, 2009, she decided to go astray to a hopefully heavenly abode.

The grief of her sudden demise is immense, though smiling memories from the past aplenty. This could be a sad entry, but the intent is to celebrate her life that she shared with all of us. She gave a piece of her honest heart to all her friends – be it loyalty, ”confidentiality”, secrets, giggles or just plain arbit banter, Navneet will always be the most special friend to all her friends.

It was the singleness of her character that may put you off when you meet her at first – and it is the singleness of her character that makes you fall in love with her later. I lived with her for a long time; from awkward days of ”getting to know each other” to days of absolute intimacy when we’ve cried together, I’ve had my ups and downs with her and we withstood the test of friendship at several levels. It was she who finally made me realize that relationships needn’t be  hunky dory all the time – they have their bad moments and to rise above them and unite again is what friendship is all about. I had those moments and she knew it and vice versa.

I owe her enough to live my life by the rules of Ms Navneet Wasu. Our crazy bike rides in the dead of the night and our endless chats that would hop, skip and jump from serious intense issues to Bollywood gossip and relationship problems… I am going to miss her phone number to be dialed FIRST everytime I ‘had’ to talk…

She also, by the way, is the reason why I take whatever little decisions I do – if not for her, I wouldn’t even think of doing so many things that I did! “Shubha, you are a grown up now, do you mind standing up for yourself for once!!!” And I  secretly agreed, almost every time.

One of my favourite memories with Nav is when we decided to go to Nandi Hills on a hot May afternoon. Please see that Navneet’s bike was then 14 years old and was a moody, old thing. Well, two girls, ‘hoping’ to get back home all safe n sound, left for one of the most memorable rides of their lives. From being followed by random, cheap men to clicking ”interesting” pictures pretending to be Ansel Adams, Nandi Hills trip, as weird as it may sound, remains one of the best ones of my life.

Navneet, for all her upfront attitude and strong opinions was a marsh mellow at heart. Most of all, she was outright genuine. She was my Track Pants girl who gave a damn… riding her bike as if she rules the roads, cracking up and laughing out aloud at random nothings. Introduced me to Harry Potter but was left disappointed as I couldn’t pass the 3rd book. From making delicious ”dal” to egg sandwiches – from eggs on our hair to comparing the shape of our ‘ugly feet’ – from laughing at funnily dressed women to taking dips in guiltless mockery – and from singing aloud on roads with all eyes on us to secretly crying watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding” – Navneet Wasu was my best friend who has given me more and more reasons to smile everyday.

We will move on, the grief will fade away but the void of having a Powerhouse in my life will always stay. Navneet, wherever you are, you better be reading this !

You were going to design my wedding outfit, you were going to dance for the sangeet… You were going to take me to Mondeez in Bombay… you were going to tell me what was bothering you for the last 4 months… You didn’t… Promises broken, conversations left unfinished… places unvisited and secrets undisclosed…empty chambers of possible memories and a smoke that will never cease to be…

...Track Pants Girl forever...

Navneet Wasu – December 2, 1981 – June 08, 2009.

You are gone but the ”drama” left behind is surely here to stay.

I love you, and I miss you, and I hope to God that you are somewhere giggling with the twinkle in your eye just the way I saw you last…