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It’s funny, the works of life. My favourite subject – people, never fails to bore me. It fascinates me, and upsets me and makes me wonder.

Had an interesting discussion with some of my colleagues this morning. One of them was apprehensive about raising a child, not for the lack of finances really, but because of the sheer fear of not being able to provide the right kind of ‘environment’ to a baby. It’s true, with the kind of moral values that we grew up with, we haven’t really turned out the way we were ‘’supposed” to. Now, with whatever little we have to offer, we might not even be able to raise a child with basic humane instincts and this is plain scary. I mean, if you look at kids these days, their confidence and attitude takes away from their basic innocence and to be honest with you, it is quite a put-off. It’s a pity that they will not be lucky enough to hear from their grandparents, innocent stories of their childhood. They are told from day 1 that they got to be ”razor sharp” or else they will be doomed… How sad is that? The world really is going to dogs…

I am in a thinking mode – last evening itself I was talking about how we have let go off our ‘niceness’ layer by layer because of external circumstances. It really is sad that nice=foolish in today’s world. People around are intentionally mean, and devilish and manipulative and begrudging and they look at you with hungry eyes to be part of the darker side. Till when can a person hold on to the hope of a nicer berth? To the desire of being surrounded by intrinsically warm people? Where people do not plot against each other and just evolve as true spirited bunch of visionaries? Where there are no ulterior motives all the time, even between friends?

Watched ‘Rocket Singh’ last night – the movie is quite something. It draws a candid picture of how people work – that to move ahead, crushing a few heads is a normal thing, where success needn’t necessitate unadulterated joy and peace. Success has it’s own identity and it is not relevant if you have people to share it with… As you grow higher, you keep secluding yourself – the circle narrows in and by the time you’re high up, you have nobody to fall back upon… Honestly, I would rather not be up there and alone coz I am sure by the time I reach there, I will bitter, with no unconditional love and a deactivated power button to give. I would rather share sweets with a bunch of warm, affectionate people than sit back alone and dupe my misery as a wondrous state of accomplishment, independence and success.

Maybe I am influenced by movies and this could just be yet another anecdote corroborating the level of my maturity, but I think I feel good about the fact that I still have hope. It keeps me going. When the dark side pulls me down, the faint reflection of a shimmering light gives me the strength to fight it out. I don’t want to crush heads, I don’t want to fool my ownself, I don’t want to.

Am I being a foolish child hoping for foxes to turn rabbits in a deep dark jungle? Maybe I am – but something in me tells me not to stop hoping. As I have heard, “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

…the biggest yet.

More than 3 months have passed by; still feels like she is just off on a long trip to a distant country. Like she would soon return with stories she’s waiting to reveal. Well, 3 months have passed by. What scares me more is that with each passing day, the memories become so distant, so aloof. The images are greying and it shatters my heart to think of her as someone who was, and, no more is.

Anyway, I’ve been working for 3 years now. Have switched 3 jobs and have done a host of things – some focussed, some absolutely out of the blue. Working brings to a person “the trick of the trade” but I am still a novice in that school. They say professionalism is devoid of emotions, but with me I can barely work without putting my soul in it. And it’s just sad that it doesn’t matter. 3 years, same designation and almost the same package. Doesn’t say much about me now, does it?

Bangalore is getting colder – it rains everyday and that just messes the whole city up. For as much as I love the rains, it’s frustrating to wait for autos in the rain to commute to work and back. Fear of potholes all over the city stops me from getting my own vehicle also. Sigh.

I watched ‘Up’. The Pixar wonder movie is one of the cutest pieces of art I have seen in a long, long time. I strongly recommend watching the movie. It is adorable and extremely touching. Wow.

I have started wearing all colours – well OK maybe not *all*, but most. I am no more black and grey anymore. I actually have a bright yellow top!

I haven’t seen my mother’s face in a year now. I am so absolutely, completely looking forward to going home this Diwali.

You know what’s changed? I am no more an impulsive judge of people. Actually, I don’t judge them at all anymore. For some reason, I don’t want to. I am tired of people judging me and I have developed this aversion to waste my time and energy analysing someone who doesn’t give a damn anyway. Well, to begin with, I am sleeping well. It could also be because I am not stressing out any more. Which, I think, is good. Nothing’s worth it.

I don’t write as often as I used to. It’s quite disheartening to lose trust in my own writing. Hmmmm.

I need a big ego boost – like the biggest yet.

Weather? Rainy and gloomy
State of mind? just about OK
Song? “I gotta feeling”

and this one’s called “I Hate”

I hate the crackling sound of polythene bags.
I hate lizards (thanks for reminding me Tunu).
I hate dried ink pens – they frustrate me.
I hate staying hungry.
I hate mean people.
I hate the inevitability of death.
I hate procrastination.
I hate unambitious guys.
I hate being sick.
I hate going to the Doctor alone.
I hate potholes.
I hate dirty feet.
I hate chipped nailpaint.
I hate torn book covers.
I hate the smell of smoke.
I hate cynical, demotivating people.
I hate to spend my money on commuting in autos.
I hate people without compassion.
I hate body odour.
I hate dirty shoes.
I hate instability.
I hate watching mindless news bulletins.
I hate fake politicians.
I hate firms that don’t treat their employees as humans.
I hate rainy days that confine you.
I hate to see people putting their parents in Old Age homes.
I hate the ambiguity of God.
I hate objectifying of women.
I hate domestic violence.
I hate slippery floors.
I hate that being nice is being dumb these days.
I hate much more.
I just hate.

hung-over

June has been a sadly consequential month. Having lost a friend is a long-time grief that gets processed and unprocessed throughout your life. Anu’s memory has barely even faded and now Navneet’s loss is phenomenally unbearable. Well, on top of that, Navneet’s ’secret’ favourite – Michael Jackson – is also gone. Though I am not a big fan, he was special in his own way and more special because everytime we heard him, it made Navneet smile. In a way, I am relieved as I think she might just meet him up there! After all, it’s his soul that gave music to the world, right? Have fun girl!

Amid all of this grief and futile attempts to ‘deal with it’, I have been trying all ways to digest the fact that she is gone. Well, I am still hungover with what happened last month… From ”retail therapy” to keeping my mind occupied, nothing has really worked. I am also watching a lot of movies, which do help for those few hours. Well, something to begin with!
I watched ‘The Hangover’ the other day. The movie, which is outrageously funny is a m-u-s-t watch! (do I say that a lot?)
Well, a plot around 4 friends who go to Vegas to celebrate their friend’s last 2 days of bachelorhood. And celebrate they do!!!
The movie is so funny that I actually held my tummy and laughed aloud in a crass manner. I usually do not enjoy comedies as most of them do not amuse me, but Hangover made me laugh through and through. Also, Bradley Cooper is HOT!

If you need to keep your mind off, and be entertained in a way that you giggle thinking about the movie even a week later, watch Hangover.