Annoyed.

I have come to realize one thing – people who have too much time to find out who’s upto what, are the ones who actually do nothing. Really. Before commenting on others about their working styles, maybe they should peek within and ask – “if I am such a big rockstar, why am I stuck here, playing dirty politics with random ‘nobodys’?”

If anyone reading this post actually relates to being such a character, then God help you.

Anyway. I am locked outside my house and have been sitting alone in my balcony doing nothing. It is kinda irritating coz I actually left work at 7:15 hoping I will come home and relax. Clearly, it never comes that easily.

I can hear loud trance from my neighboring window and that’s irking me even more! You know what’s more irritating? When people who have no taste in music or movies comment on yours!

Why is everything pissing me off? Coz I am very restless. I don’t know why. It’s like, a weird feeling creeping inside my mind, numbing my sensations and putting me in an awfully uncomfortable state of mind. I want something I can’t have. I need something which isn’t mine.

I must travel. If I don’t this year, who knows if I ever will.

State of mind? Annoyed. Restless.
Song? Girl like you by Edwin Collins
Weather? So unlike Bangalore! Ugh global warming will kill us all X-(

Crazy Little Thing Called Life

Instead of taking the turn towards my home, I drove straight past and went on a little drive by myself. I had dinner with a few friends from work. This evening I decided to pull myself together and not let anything pull me down. So I was at my best – trying to be all cheerful and fun

Bangalore streets get quiet and misty in the night. I rolled down my window (which I usually don’t) and changed my music folder from Clapton to songs from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. There’s this extremely beautiful poetry by Farhan Akhtar which mesmerizes me. And for some weird reason, poetry makes a lot more sense when you’re alone. It was a perfect moment – cold breeze, lonely, dim lit streets, Farhan Akhtar’s voice narrating a beautiful poem and I was driving alone. I can’t really translate the whole thing in English but the essence of the poem is that if you are restless, dissatisfied, driven and crazy, you’re alive. Because you have the zest to live life on your own terms.

As I drove past unfamiliar faces in the cold night, there was this moment when I fell in love with life, once again. I don’t have an answer to my emotional state, I don’t have a remedy for my restlessness and there is no right solution to my wrong situation but still, there is this force that draws me towards life, now more than ever. And the fact that this is the only life we have reaffirms my conviction to do whatever I want to. Whatever I can…After all, it’s a crazy little thing called Life.

Ooh, have you heard Michael Buble’s version of ‘Sway’? I love it. Makes me want to dance!  And by the way, Michael Buble is awfully good looking and his voice is like magic! Take a look if you haven’t heard it already: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG8giVJKQPI

Anyway. I know I will bounce back. I always have. I always will.

Emotional Catharsis

You know, life in all its entirety, is beautifully evil. The charm dupes you. The eagerness drives you. The truth deceives you. I am in a weird state of mind, for the lack of sheer words. It’s like a never ending reel of a film that plays on loop. And every time you watch it, you experience a new emotion, discover a new aspect or find a new character.

Anyway. I am back to square ONE. What do I want? I don’t know. Somethings are unrealistic, some so wrong and some so impractical that no human being with even a tiny streak of rationality would consider it. So, do I know what I want? Well, almost.

You know it’s funny when absolutely out of the blue, someone tells you that there is something peculiar about you. Your first instinct is to say NO. But the thought has been seeded and you go about looking at yourself in the mirror wondering, ‘do I’? What you don’t find from within, you seek outside, from your friends. And then happens the God damn moment of truth. Everybody echoes, ‘hell yeah!’. And you feel like such a fool. All this while you think that you have been a super cool person, standing tall, shielding yourself, preventing your thoughts from the world and the next thing you find out is, well, they all can see it. Who are you fooling, really?

We all go through these phases, I am sure. And I never claim to be the only one. But that’s the evil part. You feel bad for Falak who is a victim of brutal misfortune, and you pray for your grandfather who is in the hospital and then you go around cribbing about your life. When things are pretty much OK, and you can get your way around it, you are looking for a risk. Do you have to? No. But that’s how you are! And you can’t seem to help it.

Why do I love stories about unrequited love? No idea! But I can read Bridges of Madison County a hundred times and CRY my heart out. At any given time, if I can watch My Best Friends Wedding, I will.  Every time I hear a song about lost love I just want to drown myself in the sadness of the moment. Why? No clue. Do I like being sad? No. But the problem is, I think sadness is a pure emotion. The sheer void, the emptiness in life, the lack of a certain joy, is a universal emotion. Because, at some point in life, we all have been hurt. Or have lost. Maybe that’s the reason why I enjoy sad movies and I am drawn to sad stories like a magnet.

I am such a girl.

Emotional catharsis is a process. It takes its time and consumes your mind.

‘Take it easy’, some say but that’s an attitude which not everybody possesses. Some people have the ability to switch off, disconnect and walk off. While some people do a great job of shielding their emotions.

And some people, just let it linger. Like how all your life you will remember that one pair of shoes your mother never bought you as a child. Or that one crush who broke your heart. Like that one thing you left unsaid…

Sometimes I feel that I am controlled by my mind. Every day, it twirls the wheel of emotions and wherever it stops, throws that emotion at me. And with an evil smile says, ‘go, deal with it’. Life is a b****.

They say, ‘follow your heart’. If it were that easy, this world would have been a different place. To follow the heart is a luxury only some can afford. And that’s a cruel fact of life. In this constant battle of heart and mind, as you undergo an emotional catharsis, I have noticed, a lot of songs start making sense.  And losing yourself to the familiar vibes of deafening music becomes your last resort.

So as you slide the bookmark in the book you’re reading and close your eyes to kiss another day goodbye, you sleep with the echoes of deafening music your heart was swaying to. Music heals.

Here’s a picture of me someone took, long time back in Gokarna. Aptly depicts my pensive state of mind.