My Being

We can sit all day and wonder,

Of the days of youth and joys of plunder.

And memories that come drawing behind,

Scratching the surfaces and digging under.

When the realm of your very being is menaced,

By forgotten words and deeds undone.

You hold on to the haunting past,

And succumb to despair, aghast.

Then you crawl your way back into the moment,

To rise from your own ashes.

Redesigning your own future,

Shining in refulgent flashes.

Empowered. Energized. Elegant as ever.

In the realm of your being, your being forever.

Shubha Khaddar, 17th of May, 2012.

You and Me

I had written this poem a long, long time ago and for some reason it never got past the Draft phase. Anyway, here it is. Tell me what you think!

“It’s not the space that has set us apart,

It’s the distance we have traveled, without one another.

It’s not the differences that we didn’t put aside,

It’s the indifference that didn’t ride the tide.

It’s not you and it’s not me either,

It’s the disintegration of what brought us together.

Asking for my own horizon from the sky that belongs to all,

Is only an innocent ask and it’s nobody’s fault.

So when the sky itself doesn’t divide our world into two

Must there be a variance that slots us through?

It’s never enough, I guess, in the matters of the heart

And that’s why it is not the space that has set us apart.

But love, it’s not you and it’s not me either,

It’s the disintegration of what really brought us together.”

Shubs, 01.12.2007

The Bleary Vision

I walked back in, with car keys clicking in one hand, the laptop bag and my hand bag lugged on to other side. I am tired and weary… But it’s not the weight of the bags I am carrying that’s bothering me.

Sometimes, your actions are so predictable it’s scary. I do this every day – Monday to Friday; pull out my bags, lock my car, walk up the stairs, open my door, keep my bags aside, put the car and house keys on the side, take off my shoes and head straight to the bathroom to wash my feet… Come back and feed my fish. Everyday. Without fail. It’s like it’s rehearsed and my sub conscious self is on auto pilot. But it’s only of late that I have noticed that I do this, on repeat, five days a week. There were times when I would be on the phone talking to someone and even then my instincts would drag me to follow the routine. Yeah, maybe I am a tight-wire after all.

You know what? This week has been a horrible week. Right now, I am sitting in my living room, with Floyd playing in the background and a bleary view of my life playing on my mind. I haven’t been alone in a while – and today when I am alone, all I can think of is to curl up and sleep. Sleep, to me, is like a perfect getaway from anything you want to get away from! No?

I attended The Landmark Forum two weeks ago. It was quite an experience! As apprehensive as I was before I did it, I was so happy that I finally did do it. Did they teach me anything? No. Did they instill any values? No. Did they coach any concepts? No! They just brashly cut me open and got me to take a very close, keen look at myself. And trust me, it’s quite an experience. Good or bad, I can’t say. Though I know for sure that something has transformed in me. I am yet to put a finger on what that is – no, I am still figuring out…

My doing the Forum has got me a lot of reactions. Some have supported, some have made fun, some have rolled their eyes, some have agreed to disagree and some, now use it to blame for anything I, well how do I put this, say ‘different’.

On the last day of the Forum, we were warned that after this, we might come across absolutely weird and abnormal to a lot of people. While some people told me that they see me a lot more charged than before, some have mentioned that they think I am talking rubbish. About being on different plains, well I am not detached at all, it’s the same me, just a lot more aware of who I really am. And trust me it’s not a very comfortable truth to handle. And hence the ‘disconnect’.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. Hell no!

Coming back to the horrible week. Ugh, the week started with me acting absolutely nastily with someone immensely close to me. Nasty may be too polite a word for the hurt I caused. Soon enough, life threw something back at me when I found out that one of my long time, very close (best) friends, got married and didn’t even tell me about it! Why? Don’t ask. I was so upset I can’t even begin to describe. Then someone very close to me told me about getting some BP issue at such a young age! To top it all, my own paranoia about my health and whether something is wrong with me – man, I am such a prick to live with! Though the worse was that I let someone down at work. And God how I hate doing that. Hmmm…

Anyway. You know what’s the worst kinda hurt? The hurt you cause to yourself by hurting someone you love. You know why? Coz you can’t do anything about it! No explanations, excuses or reasons you try giving yourself will help you feel any better about being so awful. X-( That’s who you are and now you gotta deal (live) with it! You might still get people’s forgiveness, but how do you forgive your own self?

There is something about Adele’s voice that makes it so enticing. It’s raw, exotic and so, so real. The emotion running in her veins is transfused into the vibrations of her voice, over to your ears, eventually piercing through your bare soul, pricking it to wake up and pay heed. Awe inspiring… No, I am still listening to Floyd though right before this, it was she on repeat.

I should take it easy. Though deep down I think I am calm, there is restlessness lurking all around me.

They say words are so powerful they can heal. Powerful yes, coz they can go ahead and sabotage the very sanctity, the essence of possibly anything in your life. For someone who was once told that I am gifted coz I can articulate very well, I have consumed poison and spat it out all over the place, like an enraged, uncontrollable, slimy serpent.

My favorite Floyd song is Learning to Fly. “Tongue-tied n twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I.” How true…

I am on the floor, there is a warm glow from the corner lamp and I have been typing this post on my phone for the last twenty minutes. Someone once told me that my living room is tranquil and I couldn’t agree more, just now. There’s slight breeze trying its way in through the thick, pale white curtains, no other sound but the music playing on low. It’s tranquil here. It indeed is.

There are conversations in my head that I can’t pen down… There are emotions flowing inside me that I can’t let out… Thoughts I can’t stop… Flashbacks I can’t delete… What’s the point after all? It’s all a bleary vision of life…

And it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s tranquil right now, this very moment… and the moment that matters is the one I am breathing in.

Love,
Shubs

Untitled it is.

So is my life. Doesn’t seem to have a solid characterization…  What am I doing? Why am I doing this?  Must I be so harsh on myself? I don’t know… It gets difficult to manage all aspects of life. And then we compartmentalize it… with some sections boxed shut…forever.

That’s what we do, right? Make subsets within the circle of life, and spin around on roller skates, taking care of each one of them. Sometimes from within the parameter, sometimes by crossing over the dividing lines…

Each one has his own theory, about life… about the purpose of life. Each one has his own set of reasons to justify their approach. In this riot of numerous justifications and projections of restless minds, I wonder, what could (or should) be the purpose of my life.

I have a very restless, greedy, high maintenance soul. It needs to be fed well, every now and then. It needs attention. It needs music. It needs to travel. It needs to love. It needs to cry.  So when I am caught up in the rigmarole of life, doing what I need to do, being who I ‘ought’ to be, my soul has its ways to get my attention. It sends out these mean vibes to my system. It causes me mental drain. It depresses me by surprise. There are times, when I actually feel that there is another being, residing in my head, pacing up and down, trying to think of ways to gauge my attention.

My purpose of life could be anything but the question is,  does it matter? Who decides this purpose anyway? Is it going to be a watershed in my life? Or will it be revealed towards the very end?

My craving seems futile. So does everything in my life right now…

Anyway, until next time.

Love,

Shubs.

Annoyed.

I have come to realize one thing – people who have too much time to find out who’s upto what, are the ones who actually do nothing. Really. Before commenting on others about their working styles, maybe they should peek within and ask – “if I am such a big rockstar, why am I stuck here, playing dirty politics with random ‘nobodys’?”

If anyone reading this post actually relates to being such a character, then God help you.

Anyway. I am locked outside my house and have been sitting alone in my balcony doing nothing. It is kinda irritating coz I actually left work at 7:15 hoping I will come home and relax. Clearly, it never comes that easily.

I can hear loud trance from my neighboring window and that’s irking me even more! You know what’s more irritating? When people who have no taste in music or movies comment on yours!

Why is everything pissing me off? Coz I am very restless. I don’t know why. It’s like, a weird feeling creeping inside my mind, numbing my sensations and putting me in an awfully uncomfortable state of mind. I want something I can’t have. I need something which isn’t mine.

I must travel. If I don’t this year, who knows if I ever will.

State of mind? Annoyed. Restless.
Song? Girl like you by Edwin Collins
Weather? So unlike Bangalore! Ugh global warming will kill us all X-(

Crazy Little Thing Called Life

Instead of taking the turn towards my home, I drove straight past and went on a little drive by myself. I had dinner with a few friends from work. This evening I decided to pull myself together and not let anything pull me down. So I was at my best – trying to be all cheerful and fun

Bangalore streets get quiet and misty in the night. I rolled down my window (which I usually don’t) and changed my music folder from Clapton to songs from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. There’s this extremely beautiful poetry by Farhan Akhtar which mesmerizes me. And for some weird reason, poetry makes a lot more sense when you’re alone. It was a perfect moment – cold breeze, lonely, dim lit streets, Farhan Akhtar’s voice narrating a beautiful poem and I was driving alone. I can’t really translate the whole thing in English but the essence of the poem is that if you are restless, dissatisfied, driven and crazy, you’re alive. Because you have the zest to live life on your own terms.

As I drove past unfamiliar faces in the cold night, there was this moment when I fell in love with life, once again. I don’t have an answer to my emotional state, I don’t have a remedy for my restlessness and there is no right solution to my wrong situation but still, there is this force that draws me towards life, now more than ever. And the fact that this is the only life we have reaffirms my conviction to do whatever I want to. Whatever I can…After all, it’s a crazy little thing called Life.

Ooh, have you heard Michael Buble’s version of ‘Sway’? I love it. Makes me want to dance!  And by the way, Michael Buble is awfully good looking and his voice is like magic! Take a look if you haven’t heard it already: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG8giVJKQPI

Anyway. I know I will bounce back. I always have. I always will.

Emotional Catharsis

You know, life in all its entirety, is beautifully evil. The charm dupes you. The eagerness drives you. The truth deceives you. I am in a weird state of mind, for the lack of sheer words. It’s like a never ending reel of a film that plays on loop. And every time you watch it, you experience a new emotion, discover a new aspect or find a new character.

Anyway. I am back to square ONE. What do I want? I don’t know. Somethings are unrealistic, some so wrong and some so impractical that no human being with even a tiny streak of rationality would consider it. So, do I know what I want? Well, almost.

You know it’s funny when absolutely out of the blue, someone tells you that there is something peculiar about you. Your first instinct is to say NO. But the thought has been seeded and you go about looking at yourself in the mirror wondering, ‘do I’? What you don’t find from within, you seek outside, from your friends. And then happens the God damn moment of truth. Everybody echoes, ‘hell yeah!’. And you feel like such a fool. All this while you think that you have been a super cool person, standing tall, shielding yourself, preventing your thoughts from the world and the next thing you find out is, well, they all can see it. Who are you fooling, really?

We all go through these phases, I am sure. And I never claim to be the only one. But that’s the evil part. You feel bad for Falak who is a victim of brutal misfortune, and you pray for your grandfather who is in the hospital and then you go around cribbing about your life. When things are pretty much OK, and you can get your way around it, you are looking for a risk. Do you have to? No. But that’s how you are! And you can’t seem to help it.

Why do I love stories about unrequited love? No idea! But I can read Bridges of Madison County a hundred times and CRY my heart out. At any given time, if I can watch My Best Friends Wedding, I will.  Every time I hear a song about lost love I just want to drown myself in the sadness of the moment. Why? No clue. Do I like being sad? No. But the problem is, I think sadness is a pure emotion. The sheer void, the emptiness in life, the lack of a certain joy, is a universal emotion. Because, at some point in life, we all have been hurt. Or have lost. Maybe that’s the reason why I enjoy sad movies and I am drawn to sad stories like a magnet.

I am such a girl.

Emotional catharsis is a process. It takes its time and consumes your mind.

‘Take it easy’, some say but that’s an attitude which not everybody possesses. Some people have the ability to switch off, disconnect and walk off. While some people do a great job of shielding their emotions.

And some people, just let it linger. Like how all your life you will remember that one pair of shoes your mother never bought you as a child. Or that one crush who broke your heart. Like that one thing you left unsaid…

Sometimes I feel that I am controlled by my mind. Every day, it twirls the wheel of emotions and wherever it stops, throws that emotion at me. And with an evil smile says, ‘go, deal with it’. Life is a b****.

They say, ‘follow your heart’. If it were that easy, this world would have been a different place. To follow the heart is a luxury only some can afford. And that’s a cruel fact of life. In this constant battle of heart and mind, as you undergo an emotional catharsis, I have noticed, a lot of songs start making sense.  And losing yourself to the familiar vibes of deafening music becomes your last resort.

So as you slide the bookmark in the book you’re reading and close your eyes to kiss another day goodbye, you sleep with the echoes of deafening music your heart was swaying to. Music heals.

Here’s a picture of me someone took, long time back in Gokarna. Aptly depicts my pensive state of mind.

My Moment, Mine Alone

Supine, under fresh smelling white linen, lost in a riot of disjointed thoughts, I noticed something today.

If I raise my head a little more and look towards the left, I can see the surface of the blue tranquil sea. And if I push myself a little higher and turn my gaze to the right, I can see a complete view of a lamppost that hangs by the hammock by the serene lake. And I asked myself, is this real?

Sometimes I am thankful to God that I am not a pretty girl. It saves me the trouble of being vain and over the years has helped me build an extremely uninhibited perspective of all things beautiful. As a child maybe I wished I was pretty but now I am more assured of the fact that nature’s beauty completes me. I am a part of this resplendent world that defines who I am. Right now, all I can hear is the chirping of birds and playful waves hitting the shore, sometimes in zest and sometimes in pain. Which reminds me, I watched the sunset alone last evening. And you won’t believe it, I was the ONLY person on the entire beach. Not a soul was around!

I wanted to click a picture but you know, it took me a moment to realize that this moment will be my moment and mine alone. I put my phone away, rolled up my linen pants till my knees and walked into the water. And then I stood still. The sun that shines for everybody, was setting only for me today. The moment was as beautiful as it was heart wrenching. I was overwhelmed with the magnificence of the sea and the insignificance of my presence. I had tears rolling down my cheeks because I was so happy that I was so sad. Do you know what I mean?

I have come to believe, after numerous such incidents, that there are certain memories that find their way back into your mind in your most lonely and vulnerable moments. It was like a brief flashback of so many memories… My first bicycle, my first heartbreak in school, passing away of my granny, passing away of my best friend, playing with my brother, my mother combing my hair, my father returning from one of his tours and all the unnecessary mockery that some of us faced in school… Strong, vivid memories strung together to create a brief story of my life… Being screened only for me in my loneliest of moments.

No, don’t get me wrong. I was more alone than lonely.

Anyway, if I had my way, I would really fight my fear of water and one day maybe swim in the sea! I am a doer and I want to make this wish come true… Let’s see!

Some trips are fun trips, and some bad but my favorites are the ones which give me the space and time to internalize. To be with myself, sitting on this secluded beach which really is such a marvelous art of nature I can’t even begin to describe.

Last night, we were sitting on the beach and chit chatting away like best friends often do. While my husband is not a romantic at all, to me, everything has a little bit of romance in it. The crescent moon, seducing its own reflections on the fluttering waves that tease the shore with their satin touch… My God what a sight! And before we knew it, the familiar starry sky was moving in on us… Right in the middle of the sea we could see blinking lights of the fishing boats parked for the night, on our right we could see the gorgeous moon above that tiny island and right above us was this gathering of thousands of stars. Now tell me, if this is not outrageously enticing and divine, then what is?

Clearly, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and I am so glad that I behold such beauty in my eyes. Until later, live beautiful mi amigos!

Love.
Shubs

My Top 10 Favorite Inventions!

We grew up reading about inventions that have changed the course of mankind. But to be very honest, I couldn’t relate to most of them and didn’t really bother finding out more about them. Blame it on my limited mental bandwidth or sheer lack of interest in anything hyped, very few inventions have left a lasting impression on my mind.

So here’s a list of my top ten favorite inventions of all times!

1. Camera Obscura
My all time favorite invention by human mind – you can trace this invention back to somewhere in the early 1800. I love the camera. The fact that you can actually freeze a moment in time as a memory which is not just an impression on your mind, fascinates me to bits. So clearly, this tops the list.

2. The Pencil
Imagine a world without pencil! And no, pens came way later! If I am not mistaken, Conte invented the pencil in late 1700. Absolutely spellbinding.

3. The Internet
TimBL’s gift to the human race has altered the way we think, function and even dream. The Internet is a revolutionary invention and only grows to surprise us by the day.

4. The Telephone
Graham Bell’s invention of the telephone has changed the way the world communicates. Telephone has to be considered a great work of man’s imagination. Wow. Can’t imagine a world without phones, can we?

5. Jeans!
OK, I think a pair of jeans is one of the best things ever! In 1880s, Strauss gave the world ‘serge de Nimes’ (denims) and I swear to God, this is one of the best gifts to us lesser mortals.

6. The T.V.
As much as I hate to admit, I think the Idiot Box was a miracle invention. Truly fascinating! I can’t recall who really invented the Television coz I remember there was some dispute about it. But nonetheless, it is definitely one of my favorite inventions.

7. The Braille System
Louis Braille, who refused to let circumstances get the better of him, formed a world of dots that has given a purpose of life to many of those who are visually impaired. Could anyone ever imagine that blind people could actually read? Take a bow!

8. The Bulb
Yes, Edison’s invention lit up our lives forever. Thank you for this absolutely fantastic invention!

9. The Zero
Thanks to Aryabhatta, the world will always remember our contribution to numbers. The Absolute. The Zero.

10. The Steam Engine & The Airplane

Fine! I give up. No matter how much I didn’t think I would, the damn Steam Engine is definitely one of the most useful contributions to mankind. But sharing the space with the Steam Engine is the Aeroplane. Thanks to the Wright brothers, the world became more believable and accessible. And also now, home’s only 2.5 hours away.

So what’s your favorite invention? Tell me!

7 Reasons Why You Will Fail

There is always a certain someone around you who either teaches you everything that will make you succeed or will go ahead and show you the perfect approach to ensured failure. I talk to my friends all the time and it appears that the latter certain someone permeates through all organizations and households. He/she comes in all shapes, sizes and situations! And mind you, this breed is avoided by most of the sincere, field workers.

The thing is, if you are a doer, then somewhere, you will stop thinking and actually get to work! Just maybe?!

Anyway, post a conversation with an equally frustrated friend, here are my seven reasons why some people will definitely fail. Maybe not today, or tomorrow… But in the bigger scheme of life, these people will definitely fail. So if you’re nodding your head at even five of these points, thinking of someone (hopefully not yourself!) then, well you will know!

1. You’re too busy working on whimsical excel sheets instead of working on the goal.

2. You effortlessly piss off the people who could potentially help you.

3. You have way too many complex ego issues.

4. You are the unanimously chosen “Mr All Talk No Action”.

5. Your instant recipe to feed your fragile ego is to put others down.

6. You lack tact.

7. Your discernment of success is different from the rest.

While there is no sure shot way to success, there are sure shot factors that will lead to your downfall – oh, which by the way, equals to failure of sorts.