fireworks etc.

So, in the middle of the night, my roomie and I got dragged to an ‘after-party’, in a remote farmhouse in Hennur. Well, even after being almost sure about feeling like a misfit, I did land up. As I walked in holding my roomie’s hand tightly with the fear of being lost, I suddenly felt a rush of pale, dry air run through my skin. I was suddenly thirsty and my head hurt. Psychological as it is, I felt like a complete misfit. The prissy, petite women dressed in ‘perfect’ attire, carrying themselves in exquisite mannersim made me feel gauche.

Well, doesn’t matter, I followed my roomie and her friend into the crowd. Stopping at almost every step, being introduced to random people who wouldn’t even remember my name the next moment, I felt like an disinterested kid lost in a boring fair. Plastic smiles, Zero figures, tiny clothes, companions and the likes… Loud House music getting every single body move to its tune, the party was loud and over-crowded.

Standing there, amidst a crowd I just don’t relate to, I thought to myself; am I too closed to things in this world? It’s not like these things get me worked up, but because I am so uncomfortable, I felt awkward each time an eye looked at me. I wanted to run back home, put on my night clothes and doze off.

At 24, maybe I am a boring person with no interest in clubbing etc., but honestly, it is something I DO NOT ENJOY! Thank God for my roomie who stood by me throughout the party. As the night crawled into dawn, there were fireworks, for a good 20 odd minutes. WOW. The sky, which was just waking up to the color of slight grey which would soon turn into sky blue, looked spectacular. Against the morose sky that watched the show all night, the colourful bursts of crackers added a lot of life to it. It would turn red and then blue, yellow and red again. I was dumbstruck as I hadn’t seen such a flamboyant display of fireworks in my life. My mouth open, I stared at the sky like how an artist would paint a child’s encounter with God. The sparks from the crackers would burst into beautiful formations and come falling down on earth, like an actual fall of many stars on it. LOVELY sight.

All in all, even though I felt out-of-place and was tired and sleepy, the fireworks made my day and I am glad I went for that party… it acually reassured my belief of me a misfit at such gatherings…

Anyhow, Wish You All A Very Happy Diwali!!!!

Alone and lonely.

No, they obviously don’t mean the same. Aloneliness means the presence of one self and loneliness means absence of others. Right now, I am both- alone and lonely.

Relax, I will not go on ranting about my misery. Yesterday was a Dussehra holiday. Decided to wake up late but woke up with his call early in the morning. He had reached Kolkata and was on his way to his grandparents’. He loved his grand ma a lot. I was wondering how he will take it. He performed the last rituals and now I am sure he is a changed man. Have only heard that it leaves a lasting impression, but knowing him, I am sure something must’ve changed.

Well, I hope her soul rests in peace.

I was just whiling away time thinking about PG. Staring at the white curtain that had a yellow glow because of sunlight, my thoughts got transported to a warm, sunny afternoon at home, way back in 1995. I remember my grand ma would just stare at the floor without uttering a word, or showing any kind of emotion whatsoever. In imitation I did the same. I never understood why she did that though the thought of wasting time doing that freaked me out. Yesterday, I did the same. Stared into nothingness. Just blank, my eyes twitching in a weird fashion. I could feel this hollow space, a void in the house, a silence that was heavier than a moment lost in random thoughts with abrupt ends. I shook myself to get back to my senses and in utmost amazement looked around at the house that was so messy. I walked into my room to see a pile of unwashed clothes. Turned around to see a stack of books that I once intended to read. Came back to hall to switch on the TV to notice the thin layer of dust on it. Accumulations of all sorts.

A distant sound of birds chirping, infrequent thuds of someone hitting a carpet against the wall, a moody Sun, a festival away from home… Overwhelmed with emotions I decided to ignore them all and got to cleaning the house.

Even though I was actively sorting out the mess, my head was wandering in all directions. Flashes of conversations with PG, images of his reclined posture reading the newspaper, my mother’s ‘wake up’ shrieks, faint sounds of my own footsteps, a tiny tear and a nostalgic heart… I was lost and lonely. Was terrified and alone.

*********

State of mind? BLANK

Song? None.

Weather? Moody Sun at its best.