Almost complicated.

I really feel that the biggest challenge in life is to deal with your ownself. No matter how much you try and fake things, pretend, conceal, adapt or whatever, it is impossible to cheat yourself. You are the truth and you know it. Now, the problem is, do you really want to deal with yourself?

You are running in all directions to seek something you won’t find. You are restless and continuously starving. You think you are happy, but you are not. You think you are nice, but really? You think this is what you ”have become”, but ask yourself again, have you really?

All you need to do is sit down (I mean literally), and think about yourself. Think of where you come from, what all you’ve experienced, why do you behave the way you do, how are you the way you are.

Things in life are as complicated as you wish to make them out to be. Nothing is really complicated, everything ‘almost’ is.

“It’s all in the mind”, and the mind is YOU. Manas, the faculty that harmonizes all your sensory impressions that are presented to the ‘consciousness’ (Y.O.U!), chooses to observe what you want to observe. It is the purest form of existence because it’s all transparent. There is nothing hidden, nothing faked. But, the actions(external) you choose to perform are usually manipulated by you. The point that arises now is, because you have voluntarily manipulated your actions in a certain way, you may find it easier to deal with things external to you. But how on earth can you hide from what you know you are????

Let me give you an example: if I am jealous of something, I know I am jealous but for someone else to know whether or not I’m jealous is something that depends on me (in your case YOU!). If I choose to show them, I can! But but but, now that I know that I am jealous, I don’t know how to deal with myself!!

Just so you know, that was just an example.

Can’t!!!!

“In ballet a complicated story is impossible to tell… we can’t dance synonyms.”

-George Balanchine

The Door’s open

Often a  mindless conversation leads to something sensible. I really enjoy talking to this friend of mine coz he shows me the simple, sorted side of things when I feel that it’s all highly complicated. But, he also can show me an exclusive complicated aspect of something which I would never realise otherwise. Here’s just a certain something that struck him and evolved into this piece that he wrote post our conversation today:  

“People come in our lives just like someone visits our homes. We welcome them in. Show them a piece of what is us. Share a few moments. If they are formal, we keep them to the drawing room. If they are family, we let them in the kitchen and other rooms. Some of them get access to the living room. We call them friends. We don’t mind them peering at our dirty socks or strewn about magazines. We feel safe sharing our lives with them. And when that special person comes in, one thinks about getting the house painted, maybe its time to move up. Maybe its time to tidy things up. Maybe she would want to move in. Please, make her want to move in. She can move about the house, arranging it. I let her. Its as much hers as it is mine. She waves her wand and things seem to just fall in place. Oh I am happy.But then something changes. She moves in close. But how close is it? Is it close enough? Is it far enough? Is she here all by herself, or does she have to be told to? Do I want her to be told to be close? I want her to want by herself. If that’s not there, it means nothing. Nothing at all. Is she just being “nice”? Being so close and just being “nice”? “Nice” means nothing to me. I am not nice. I am genuine. Straight-in-your-face genuine. I don’t like her being “nice” when she cannot really be close. I don’t like her being close when she cannot “really” be nice. I don’t want her to touch the things inside any more. I don’t want her to not to either. What do I want? I don’t know. All I know, I don’t want it like this. I don’t want any apparitions or fakeness. I can’t keep her close. I can’t keep her inside. I can’t keep her out too. She has to be around, but I won’t let her be close like this. In my mind’s eye, I have placed her somewhere at the door. Neither moving out nor moving in. She can stand there, get a view of what is outside and a glimpse of what is inside. I have let her to decide what she wants. The door’s open and you’re standing there, milove. It’s your house, it’ll always be. Only thing is, if you want to come inside, you need to know that its your house, and you have to treat it as your own. If you don’t or you can’t, the door’s open and you’re standing there milove.”

“White Flag”

This song makes a lot of sense. Subjective that life is, someone I know so totally fits in this frame. I hope things work out for him.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be 

Life.

It is quite strange how life is simple and complicated all at the same time. For pure love of reason, I was trying to figure out certain things in life. Sorting is my favourite hobby and failure a regular norm. But that said n done, complications interest me.

I lay on my bed, staring up at the fan that kept going round and round at the same pace for as long as I observed it. The faint light from outside kept bothering me and I couldn’t go to sleep. I don’t know if it’s the body that takes time to get accustomed to a new place or if it’s just the mind. Even though my new house is lovely, I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully ever since I have moved in.

At 3 in the night I went to the hall and sat on the cold, empty mats. The window was open and each time the breeze would tickle the sheet (adhoc curtain), I would notice these curvy formations in the shadow that seemed to follow a pattern. It’s very interesting to observe a kind of tandem in ordinary things in life; like a symphony of resembling actions, repeating themselves at regular intervals.

Anyhow, the last two days have been quite interesting. Me and my roommate have talked about a lot of arbit things. She is smart and intellegent and makes no noise about anything. We are alike After having discussed the same old ”bygones” for the hundredth time, I actually realised that no matter how much I analyse and scrutinize and complain about what went wrong and who did what, I can’t really undo all that has happened. So, I have decided to forgive and maybe forget all and sundry for screwing up my life till now.

I am alive and kicking and moving on.

Weather? Hot

State of mind? Vaguely awake

Song? Feel

If you, if you could return, don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade.

I’m sure I’m not being rude, but it’s just your attitude,
It’s tearing me apart, It’s ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn’t be so confused and I wouldn’t feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

-The Cranberries

calmness

You know what the best part about all of this is? My seat overlooks this massive piece of land with hundreds of coconut trees and a sleek building in the middle of it. Usually during sunset, the orange sky sheds a fading light on the dull ,white cloudy formations and as the sun sinks deeper by the minute, you’ll see thousands of birds flying back to their homes. That’s a sight. So relaxing, so peaceful. I stand next to the huge window and think of all things beautiful. Wow.

 New workplace is awesome! I’m loving it here.

State of mind? Peaceful

Weather? Pleasant

Song? ”In the city of blinding lights”-U2

Shine on you crazy diamond

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

:)

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!                                                                The world forgetting, by the world forgot                                                      Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!                                                                                           Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned…