blah#2

“How I wish you were here. We are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year…Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears… I wish you were here…”- Pink Floyd

State of mind? Introspective.

Weather? Pleasant. It’s sunny yet the breeze is kinda cool. Nice.

So, it looks like a nice day. I slept well last night, so well that I got up at 9 when I am supposed to be at work by 9.30! Yeah.

I am sorry I can’t finish Catch 22. Ok fine maybe I have bad taste and maybe I am proving myself to be a moron if I say that the book does not interest me, but the fact is, IT DOESN’T!

I started reading Khushwant Singh’s “A Train to Pakistan”. Looks good. I had tried reading it ages ago but I don’t think I finished it then. So, I am back to giving it another try…

I had the weirdest dream last night;not that I have sane dreams anyway, but this one was too bizarre. No, I am not going to explain it here. 

I had a zarda paan. I am so hit. Man. So hit.

*will update it soon. 

Mata Krusteshwari

It all happened one day in July last year. The day saw many trivial activities taking place; there were boring lectures on Jounalism, bad canteen food, a very dull afternoon and a hot evening. As the evening made way into yet another night, a discussion on “relationships” began between two of her friends.  Noone could even imagine what was going to take place that sacred night.

She sat there, on the ugly blue chair which was provided by the hostel, listening to her friends discussing the intricacies of good relationships and the bad ones and the weird ones and the stupid ones. Both her friends were in a relationship at that moment. The discussion was getting even more interesting and then the evergreen topic of loyalty and trust came up. Of course, trust is something she very strongly believed in. So, she wanted to make a point but both her friends were too engrossed in the discussion that they didn’t pay any attention to the poor “saint in the making”:p

She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to say what she had in mind; those wise words of wisdom. So she spoke. She shut her friends up and spelled out those magic words… “trust is the crust of any relationship!” She knew she said the right thing, that what she said was so true, you know, like it was *the* “message from God”.

Uhmm. Her friends, who should have listened to what she said and taken it seriously, burst out laughing and one of them actually fell off the bed. So…

The next day, everyone in college knew about it. They made fun of her all day long and in the evening, she was renamed Mata Krusteshwari by a friend.

Yeah. That’s how it all began. Now don’t ask me who this Mata Krusteshwari is.

Oh well….

The Angel…

I Dreamt a Dream! what can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen:
Guarded by an Angel mild;
Witless woe, was neer beguil’d!

And I wept both night and day
And he wip’d my tears away
And I wept both day and night
And hid from him my hearts delight

So he took his wings and fled:
Then the morn blush’d rosy red:
I dried my tears & armd my fears,
With ten thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was arm’d, he came in vain:
For the time of youth was fled
And grey hairs were on my head

-William Blake

ooo

Song? ” Visions of Paradise”, Mick Jagger. Awesome song; first thing I heard when I woke up this morning. I love Radio Indigo. I also have Air Supply’s ” I am all out of love” on my mind today. Just.  

 Weather? It’s getting chilly. Everyday on my way to work, I almost freeze. But it gets warmer with every hour and then by the evening it starts getting cooler again. 

 State of mind? Aggravated.  *Very*.

This world is a very twisted place. There is goodness and there is immorality. There is happiness and then there are tears of sorrow. There are good people and there are not-so-good ones. And then there are “sub-humans”; technically they are humans, but actually there is nothing humane about them. They are the ones who bring out the worst in you. Thanks to them that you become aware of how squalid this world is; thanks to them that now, goodness is called “stupidity”. These are the ones who will be the friend who will yell at you when others take you for granted but will walk all over you *all* the time. Strange.

But then it is indeed a very twisted world.

Why do people dance on the way to the cremation ground? Are they rejoicing over the fact that someone close to them died? I think they dance because they think that the departed is one helluva lucky soul to have gotten rid of this filthy place called the “world”. Or maybe not. Or maybe I should stop thinking so much.

Oh well…

today…

Sanjay Dutt found guilty under Arms Act. Three years imprisonment. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s just something that caught my attention while I was surfing through a news site.

State of mind? Not so calm. Chaotic. Unstable.

 Song? “Far away” by Nickelback.

Weather? Cold. It’s cold cold cold cold…

“Whatever can go wrong, will  go wrong”- Murphy’s Law. So, technically it means that everything *will* go wrong. hmmm.

 I have never visited my school after I gave my 12 Board exams. I wonder how it feels to walk in those corridors, looking at the hexagon where our morning assemblies used to take place. The smell of fresh samosas from the canteen used to engulf the area near the nursery department.

The school was *MASSIVE* spread across an area of 15 acres, with a huge sports ground. I remember, during winters, our morning assemblies used to be held there. Open air, mist, little sun, prayers, exercises, debates, news, Principal’s message… Wow.

 School was no doubt the best part of my life. I was 4 when I joined APJ; nervous but hopeful, as I walked into class, Ms Renu took my hand and showed me my seat. That was it. Those hands were reassuring enough for me to fall in love with my school, almost instantly. After 13 years, when I passed out from APJ, I had never imagined life beyond those boundaries.

 I feel ashamed that I have never gone back to school to see if Harish bhaiya  is still selling yummy samosas in the canteen, to check if Ms Swaroop( our librarian) is keeping well or not, to see how much the school has changed or not. I wonder how I’ll feel when I see new names on our notice boards. School. Young innocent memories; sweet and bitter, both. hmmm. I really want to go back atleast once but I am not sure if I will be able to this alone.

Oh well…

……

It’s James Marshal Hendrix’s birthday today. Did you know that Jimi Hendrix was a left-handed person but he used to play the guitar upside down with his right hand? I didn’t know that. Wow. ‘ Purple Haze’, the song, was written after he had a dream that he was walking under the ocean surrounded by a *purple haze*. Strange dream, awesome song.

Moving on, we are back to a cold Monday Morning now. The weekend? A friend of mine had come down so I had a pretty good time.

Song? “Don’t feel like dancing”, by Scissor Sisters. First thing I heard when I woke up.

State of mind? Disconnected. Very. Low. A weird sinking feeling of having lost something precious.

I finished  Stephen King’s ‘The Shining’. And if you think the movie is scary, you have to read the book. It’s awesome. I don’t know if I did a mistake by watching the movie first or not because as I read through the book, I pictured Jack Nicholson and the ’skinny’ Rebecca de Mornay performing their roles. The visuals of the kid who played Daniel in the movie kept freaking me out as I read the way he communicated with Tony and how he saw those two girls in the passage etc.  Awesome. Scared me to death. Though the ending is different, I think it’s much better than the movie.

Weather? Kinda cold. Nice and pleasant; reminds me of a cold yet warm morning in Delhi, in the month of February when I was in college waiting for my best friend to turn up. College life was too good. So is this life; atleast it’s not *that* bad…

I am in love with Bangalore. I feel like I belong to this place. This is where I can be myself. I can do what I want, be what I want to be… I don’t wanna leave this city ever. Delhi has it’s own charm. I belong to that place. But Bangalore is different. I can’t explain how. Maybe I met the right people at the right time, maybe. Maybe I met the wrong ones at the right time that has now made me a stronger and wiser person. Even the bad traffic jams, the choking pollution, the language barrier, prejudiced people and the killing expenses don’t make me want to leave this city. In fact, the traffic jams give me an opportunity to observe what’s happening around me, the choking pollution gives me a reason to take care of myself better, the language barrier compells me to learn their language and the prejudiced people reassure me of the fact that I shouldn’t let *any* such thing affect me.

Shahrukh Khan replacing Amitabh Bacchhan in KBC? Ehmm. Not that I am a fan of either of them, but having SRK asking questions on KBC is a not-so-comfortable picture in my mind. People relate KBC only to Amitabh, how will SRK fit into the picture? eeyuuu…

I have a feeling that the Gokarna trip will get cancelled; in any case, I am going to go.

Oh well….

s-p-a-c-e-d

My latest crush? *Michael Owen*. I think I am head over heels in love with him. Man.

The state of mind? B-L-A-N-K. I can’t think, can’t see, can’t write, can’t; I just can’t. I am at work, gotta be working. I am doing it but the screen looks ultra white with assorted rows of tiny black spots. I am just working like a machine right now. The keys have been fed in and I am on a roll. Mentally, I am so spaced it’s not even funny.

I still think Michael Owen is super hot. hmmph.

How do you feel when you know someone who is strong and bold and has an “I-care-a-damn attitude” succumbs in love like a selfless, humble soul? God. It’s scary how people give in their everything when they’re in love. Crazy.

Song? *With or without you*, U2. I love the song. It’s playing in my head now. Strange.

Anyway, I think I wanna shift out of hostel and have a place of my own, keep it the way I want to. A coffee machine in the kitchen; oh the kitchen has to be well equipped. *very important* to me. No smoking allowed in there. Lots of plants. A music system. Maybe a TV. A fridge. Or maybe not. Curtains, soft dull coloured ones. Wooden furniture. Lots of pillows; they can be colourful. Paintings. Low seating arrangement in a cozy corner. A jute lamp next to which my music collection will be kept. No dust. No outside noise. Maybe the window can be kept open after midnight to let the cool breeze in. Maybe have a wind chime in the balcony. Oh yes, a computer is a must. A black one. Actually, even white will do. Maybe. The bathroom will have a shelf with *trashy* novels, will also have a lot of nice smelling lotions, gels, sprays etc. hmmm. Jute chappals, baby pics, a settee in the balcony, cards, soft towels, soft music, Jim Morrison on my cupboard, notes from my friends on the clipboard, a jute bin, a pretty mirror with perfect lighting and a lot of warmth.

Why do we close our eyes so often? hmmm.

See, I told you I was spaced. More than spaced, I think I am lost. Yes, I am.

Oh well…

No, this does not mean that I have nothing to write today. This song is the only thing on my mind right now, so…

I’ve been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I’ve never had a yearning quite like this before
Now that you are walking right through my door

All of my life
Where have you been?
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again

A sacred gift of heaven
For better, worse, wherever
And I would never let somebody break you down
Nor take your crown, never

All of my life
Where have you been?
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
And everytime I’ve always known
That you were there, upon your throne
A lonely queen without her king
I longed for you, my love forever

All of my life
Where have you been?
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again

Lenny Kravitz

So…

We all screw up, don’t we? We all make our mistakes, we all lie for a *greater* cause:p, we all hate to be in a grubby situation, we don’t want people to know us so well that even if they are miles away from you, they can sense there is something up. We want it to be nice and easy; maybe not easy but atleast worth the trouble.

We don’t want to hurt others. We want God to be nice to us, even though we goof up 27000 times a day. We are all a bunch of greedy selfish people who think about ourselves and *only* ourselves.

But, every now and then, we do take a breather from our *materialistic*, hedonistic, money-seeking, fast-moving, twisted lives. We stop by some old beggar sitting on the footpath on a cold winter night and try helping him with coins, don’t we? Don’t we feel bad each time we see those kids with painted faces dancing and performing stunts on the roads in order to earn those 15 bucks a day? We do.

The point is, though there is world peace to be thought about, the Iraq war to be talked about, Kashmir issue to be solved, terrorism to be fought, we need to first come out of our own world full of problems and worries and trepidations. We need to first evolve from what we are right now- Self-centered humans.

I used to be one of those who would get effected on seeing a helpless beggar, or a homeless child, or a weeping old person; what happened then? Uhm. The feeling of depression, sadness and helplesness dawned upon me. People started thinking I was a mad saint on the loose. And you know what the worst was? They started getting scared of me. They thought hurting me in any which way would not let them be in peace; like I am some God sent angel on the planet everyone could talk to, listen to her stories, understand her compassion for the worldly problems and then walk over her and forget the fact that she was even there. They don’t *want* to do it but they do it all the time.

Been there, done that. I have learnt it the hard way. You have to find your own space first and then think of the world which lies beyond the boundaries of your’s. Yes, we are all connected, humanity is what binds us together, pain is our common friend, happiness is our guiding hope but all of this makes no sense if you are not calm and unpertubed from within. How on earth will you lend a helping hand when your own hands are shivering with uncertainty?

All this while, thinking about others, bothering about the world, caring for people who don’t care a damn about you, all this was eating me up from within. I still feel the same, you can’t really change the very nature of my being but I am learning how not to. In the end, no matter how good or concerned or genuine you are, it doesn’t make a difference to anyone.

I don’t understand charade. I don’t understand when people say they care and they do nothing about it. I don’t understand what people want. I am known as a fake person though I genuinely care. If I do something about it, I am called stupid. If I don’t, I am known as someone with a facade.

People, of course, are super weird. And I guess, if I care so much about what they think, so am I.

Oh well…

just another post

Okay, so we have decided to go to Gokarna. I hear it’s a nice place, it better be nice! I don’t know why I am getting so enthu about it now itself.

Anyway, I think i suffer from insomnia. I just can’t sleep in the night. I try to sleep, I switch all the lights off, I keep the music on a very low volume but nothing works. I don’t know why! This makes me feel dull and sleepy throughout the day which is also very annoying.

 Oh by the way, I also fall asleep at all the wrong times. I don’t know what kinda disease that is! Last time I went over to a friends place, I was watching this amazing French musical, and you won’t believe, I fell asleep in the last 5 or 10 minutes of the movie. Enough to piss him off. I have been told that I am never going to watch a movie with him, never again! Bah. Me! Life.

So, I read a friend’s blog today. Man, that is one blog which is so full of sorrow and sadness that it’s beyond belief. How can anyone be soooo sad? Okay I know I crib and sulk and complain but at the end of the day, I am a happy person; okay maybe not  “happy” but atleast less bothered and calmer. Oh c’mon you know what I mean now. Thats different that I constantly have this feeling of “something missing” in my life. It’s like this vaccum which I can feel in my abdomen, a C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T feeling of nothingness.

But then again, it’s me.

I think I just realised what I want, what I REALLY want. Yes, I want Donkey, from Shrek. He is the cutest. Donkey in Eddie Murphy’s voice. Yes. Now that’s what I want. I don’t mind Sid, the Sloth from Ice Age. God he is so cute!!!

I am at work, trying to take some time out to finish this post and my friend in Delhi decides to go to the fields and play with me. How do you deal with such people? I mean really now!

Also, right in the morning, I got a L-O-N-G mail from a very good friend of mine. He talks about himself and his insecurities and how I remind him of his childhood days; NO, NOT COZ HE THINKS I AM STILL A KID just in case you are thinking so, but because he thinks he can relate to me in a lot of ways because of the small and simple things that have always made me happy. I don’t know what to say to him but the mail is damn cute.

I like ‘Alone’ by The Bee Gees. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Oh well…